How do we beat the bullies?

I don’t think anything prepares us for seeing our child/children struggle with life, watching them become a shadow of their former self, their kind, loving, giggly nature transform into a child who looks petrified at the mere mention of school, whose temper has appeared from no where because she cannot control her emotions, a child who cannot bear to leave your side because you are her safety, the child who won’t sleep alone in her room because she can’t sleep and is frightened of her thoughts going over and over in her head, the child who is your whole world and you just don’t know how to fix it, well this has been my life the past few months, and no nothing prepared me for it, it literally had been the worst thing that could happen, I would have my IIH ten times worse if it meant her worries would go away.

Whenever anything happens to your children, you immediately want to fix it, to make the issues stop, to make them smile again.

It all began when when we noticed that our daughter was becoming withdrawn – not talking, (she was quiet anyway so this meant she was really quiet), she distanced herself from us all,  there were changes in behaviour – becoming aggressive, not able to control how she spoke to us,  she was sleeping badly, up and down through the night,  complaining of headaches or stomach aches every day before school, and as she became more and more unhappy, she would beg not to go to School, and I mean literally beg to point where I would want to just scoop her up, and tell her everything would be ok and keep her home with me.

I didn’t but I wanted too.

I remember saying to my Mum, and to her god mother that her behaviour had changed, and if this is what the teenage hormones were like then god knows how I would cope  during the next 5 years – if only it had just been hormones – I may have been able to deal with it better than her being bullied.

Bullying is a problem that can derail a child’s schooling, social life, and emotional well-being 

Everyone wants to believe that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” but for some children and teenagers, even us adults – that’s not true. Words can be just as harmful, or even more so, than physical abuse.  My daughter has always been uber sensitive, and a worrier, it didn’t usually hold her back but she doesn’t have the confidence of her younger sister, and I know she wished she was a bit more outgoing – I think she just wanted to fit in and friendship meant a lot her.

Bullying is a behaviour that includes a whole range of actions that cause physical or emotional pain, from spreading rumours, to intentional exclusion which was a massive factor in my daughters school life, people that were her friends completely ignoring her, walking or running away from her, turning away rather than speak to her and yes she suffered physical abuse. 
It may be subtle and many children don’t tell their parents or teachers about it out of fear of shame or retribution, she didn’t tell me she had been slapped for a few days because I’d been in hospital and she didn’t want me to have to go back in as she was scared,  thinking that would make me more unwell,  this however just made matters worse for her, and actually me, I received a a text myself that wasn’t pleasant from a girls mother ending our friendship  because her child had been questioned for the incident, and I hadn’t gone to her first.

Children may also fear they won’t be taken seriously if they report being bullied. It’s important that parents, teachers, and other adults constantly look for bullying behaviours.  From power struggles to conflicting impulses, hormones  and strong emotions, girls really do have a lot to deal with. 

We all know girls may bicker, from time to time, it’s part of the growing up, teenagers are on their apprenticeship to adulthood not wanting to be take responsibility for their actions but still wanting to find their way – how can we help them, this is happening all over the country Children as unhappy as my daughter, some who have sadly ended their lives because they were badly bullied, destroyed, not wanting to live, some suffering in silence.  My daughter talked to me openly – the whole experience nearly broke her – it tormented me taking her to School, me her Mother taking her to an environment she couldn’t bear, she would cry before School, I would cry after dropping her off, every day I would wonder what sort of Mother I was  – putting her into a situation that was actually destroying her, the final staw for me was her becoming really unwell and in pain – possibly caused by the stress, I had to ring an ambulance who came in took one look at her, popped her on a stretcher and took her to A and E, as she lay in the ambulance, crying, the  blue light shining through onto her little head, I wondered how on earth had it come to this and right there and then I knew I wouldn’t stand for it anymore – some might say I have let them win by moving my daughter to another School, I tried the stick it out, it might get better method – it didnt and neither did she.

I personally think  there needs to be more input into relationships from us as parents and schools as early as Primary school looking  into relationships and how cruel words or  silences can damage children. We as parents need to take time to discuss with our children how to manage thoughts and feelings and how to cherish friendships. There has been within my youngest child’s primary school lots of talk about Social Media and I’m glad – this is one of the biggest threats in our children’s Society – even a child’s Instagram Bio can cause such hurt and upset, offending intentionally or unintentionally by not adding a friends name or by being there then being removed, The Snap Chat bullying game, Facebook bullying –  its all out there ( I hate it and wish rules were stricter for our children)
Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield have launched This Morning’s Be Kind anti-bullying Campaign to help save the lives of young victims.

As part of ‘This Morning’s Be Kind’ campaign we want you to watch this video. You’ll hear from two mums whose children took their own lives as a result of the bullying they experienced. Then hit the pledge button. Pledge to watch this video with your children. Pledge to help your children know they can ask for help, for them to know someone cares and for them to know how important it is to BE KIND.

http://www.itv.com/thismorning/hot-topics/pledge-to-share-our-anti-bullying-message
I have done this with both of my girls, perhaps we could all share this around.

My daughter is slowly regaining her life back and her sense of humour – thank goodness!!! I am blessed that she confided in me even if it wasn’t straight away,  she is no saint I am certainly not blinkered,  she can be grumpy, moany, teenagery  12 year old but she is my daughter, and someone said to me just this week you are ‘only as happy as your least happy child’, this is so true and when this happens we work tirelessly to get life back to normality again.

It’s not a question of happiness or sadness, but a journey of life lessons that we gently guide them through the best we can.
❤ ASIBTAF xx

When you wish you could make everything better!

When I agreed that my eldest could have a rabbit, not for one minute did I imagine how attached to him we, well me would become, I’m more a dog as a pet kind of girl.  I agreed to us having this rabbit under the pretence that Maisy would feed it, clean it and generally look after him and most of this she does, though I have found myself cleaning him out most weeks with the help of Mais, I say help but it’s more  of her being the foreman giving out orders on how, what to do and if I’m doing it correctly whilst she dances around the patio with the brush.

Initially I found this gorgeous small and cute bunny on the internet from a breeder Wayback Warren, http://www.waybackwarren.co.uk/

They breed French and mini lops, the photo I first saw of our rabbit was deceiving because when we went to see him he was huge, I am so naive I thought the tiny rabbit in the photo was staying that size, I remember doing a double take at the one she presented to us, I said to her that’s not the one in the photo surely, yes she said it’s just grown, and hasn’t finished growing yet, I was actually scared this animal resembled a small puppy, Kev was the only one who would handle it, the rest of us were scared!!!

So we took what we thought was a female home, Maisy was besotted with it, she loved it, cared for it, dressed HER in the pretty build a bear dresses, pushed HER around in a pink pushchair and Flo as the rabbit was then called loved it, sitting like a queen as she rode around…..

All until one day My Mum and Maisy came across something unusual,

It goes like this via text message:-

Mum: Kirsty are you sure Flo is a girl?

Me: Yes of course, that’s what they told me, why would you think otherwise?

Mum: Well Maisy has just held the rabbit up to me, she said she thought Flo was unwell because she has found a lump or two.

Me: Oh god is she ill then Mum? Does she need to see the vet?

Mum: Kirsty the rabbit has balls, not lumps Flo is a boy not a girl and Maisy is not happy at all.

Maisy not happy at all was an understatement, she was devastated, totally inconsolable, and almost disgusted, when trying to reason with her that it was still her rabbit, her best friend who loved her, she replied with : 

Mummy you have no idea what it feels like, no idea at all, my rabbit has been dressing up as a woman for the past 6 months, I have been loving my baby girl, how would you like it Mummy if you gave birth to me as a girl, then suddenly I changed to a boy? You wouldn’t like it one bit.!!!

I saw her point ..

It took some adjusting for her to get used to us calling Flo, Archie instead, if we dare mix up the names, we would get the death stare from Maisy, Archie soon adjusted to rocking his manliness, with his new male wardrobe and yellow instead of pink lead for when he cruised around the pavements of where we live.

Archie has also had the closest near death experience I think you could possibly get:- by deciding to venture to next doors garden and nearly become their terriers new toy, how on earth he didn’t get eaten that day I will never know, Maisy noticed he had gone from the garden, she was venturing on hysterical, my baby has gone my baby has gone she cried, I thought I know where that little bugger is I hopped on the garden chair to peer over the fence  to see him in a stand off with the dog, literally the dog would chase him, Archie would chase the dog, by now Kev is running like Mo Farah to get to the neighbours to rescue him, I’m still balanced on the chair hanging off of the fence praying that I don’t have to witness the carnage that could occur, gently shouting his name like it’s actually helping, Maisy is now at the point of no return screaming, he’s dead, he’s dead, how will I cope without him, Kev the superhero is swiftly in the garden, the dog does not want to give his new found friend up, Archie literally jumps into Kevs arms, gives the dog the V sign and comes home.

Definately shaken from this little adventure, one I hasten to add he hasn’t repeated, he was out of sorts for a good week, with a few war wounds on his long ears but generally unscathed, he survived and went back to being my daughters confidant, and partner in crime.

Now I’m sure your wondering why is she prattling on about that Rabbit?, well last night he was taken unwell, so my day started with a trip to the vets, I knew he was poorly as he hasn’t really moved, he and I have this huge battle getting him into the carrier, and today he just went into it, the vet did some assessments on him, and came to the conclusion that he is very ill, this made me sob like a baby, this rabbit who I was so sure I wouldn’t really like intially, this rabbit who would try and eat my new trainers as I walked around and would literally hang of my feet, but do you know I think most of my tears are for Maisy not me, her world at the moment is tough, she is so sensitive, kind and loving, she needs no more crap in her life, she struggles with me being ill, school life, and the perils of being a nearly teenager, taking away her best friend will I know destroy her, so as I begged the vet to do what she could I knew I was doing it for my m

girl, to please please not add any more sadness to her little life, for her to at least have the happiness she deserves with her rabbit, no it’s not insured but can you actually put a price on happiness? 

As I always rave about my amazing friends and family that support me, I know that in Maisy’s world Archie and I are her best friends, so please can you all have your fingers crossed for her that he pulls through this, he is spending the day at the vets, we will see what 5.30pm brings!

I have learnt that no matter what size or what your pet is, they are part of your family, the provide love, happiness and friendship – all that we need x
Lots of love ASIBTAF 🐰

Tiredness and Mumming it! 

At the moment people ask :how are you doing? and I reply I’m good, actually I am absolutely shattered, I would make a good advert for the smokey eye look, without the actual make up, whilst having a cuddle with my eldest last night she looked at me and said do you know your eyes are black, not just at the bottom Mummy but all the way round and used her finger to go around my eye lol.

I literally dream of going to bed then waking at a reasonable hour even 6am looks better than 3.30am, I try to stay up later to maybe help this but have trouble keeping my eyes open, this is part and parcel of the IIH, most people with this condition will have trouble sleeping, or some may want to sleep all the time, I do feel shattered with it at times but generally don’t sleep in the day,  by 9.30pm I’m done, the Insomnia comes in cycles so I can have some really good weeks of sleep, then I can have some really pants nights sleep, I am a woman that really needs her sleep or I turn into one of those emotional women literally teetering on edge, looking like something from the walking dead, and either growling or wailing.. and on this healthy eating plan would kill for chocolate!!!

Dr Edward Suarez, associate professor in Duke’s department of psychiatry and behavioural sciences said following a lack of sleep study on both men and women

“The study suggests that poor sleep – measured by the total amount of sleep, the degree of awakening during the night, and most importantly, how long it takes to get to sleep – may have more serious health consequences for women than for men.
“We found that for women, poor sleep is strongly associated with high levels of psychological distress, and greater feelings of hostility, depression and anger. “In contrast, these feelings were not associated with the same degree of sleep disruption in men.”

Well men are the lucky ones, because this morning is one of those mornings where you scroll through social media and cry like a baby at the various tear jerking videos, or you read another blog, full of kindness and meaning, for me I read a post by Part- Time Working Mummy that was done yesterday, about being a mother in varying ways, usually I have a good chuckle at her posts, today I cried.

I think the post she has written relates to us all in someway, because we have all been one of those Mummy’s.

https://www.facebook.com/PartTimeWorkingMummy/

These past two weeks with  lack of sleep makes me analyse things more, mainly my motherhood skills, or otherwise known as the ‘Mum Guilt’ being a mum to a teenager (she will be 13 this year) is a journey in itself, but knowing that your illness effects both of your girls that guilt sets in even more, I am that Mum that try’s to get through each day hiding how rough I actually feel from them, painting on a smile so they will both go off happy each day whilst actually I want to hug the toilet from the nausea I get some mornings, or when they have a tantrum or argue with my husband or  I, I don’t completely lose my shit because I’m so tired lol, I am the Mum who wants my eldest to enjoy her School life, and not be worrying about me,  where I am and if I’m feeling ok. 

I am the Mum that plans a lovely day out, a train trip to Bath with both of my girls,plus one of their friends, then gets half way into the train journey I have a massive IIH headache, how I made it around that day I will never know, the worst point for me was the shop Lush, the girls had lived for this  moment, I was trying to live through the bloody moment, all the smells just made me want to be violently sick, never have I been so glad to get back on a train, but wondering why I can’t even have a day out without my IIH interfering. I know the girls don’t miss out but you want and hope to be on top form having fun don’t you? 

I am the Mum that lies in her hospital bed, wishing to get home as soon as I can as I know my girls will be crying for me at home, even with constant reassurance from family and friends they panic I won’t come home, this is heartbreaking in itself.

But I am the Mum who does her best, the best I can do at the moment, and that is all of us doing the best we can, we are all amazing men and women with amazing children, you know you have done good when they are smiling and happy each day, yes the day may throw in some grotty bits but we handle it the best we can.

As I usually say  kindness unites us all, I have had so many messages about this blog, I can’t thank you enough for the kindness, most saying I’m so brave, you know what though we are all brave we are all warriors of some sort, illness, family, motherhood, fatherhood,business,  life and more, I had never even heard of this condition or anyone with it before my diagnosis, so all I want is to bring some awareness to it, and to help other sufferers who may need some reassurance.

We can and will beat this, and with the kindness and love I have around, how hard can that be.

Have a happy healthy week

ASIBTAF ❤

Wife and Mum first, IIH warrior second. 

You know those weeks where you doubt yourself in everything, it’s been one of those, I have been told many times by various people you are never given more than you can handle , but who actually knows what we can all handle? How do ‘they’ know our limits? 

Sometimes living with IIH pales into insignificance when you have a role as a mother and a wife, you can’t just think about yourself (selfishly) , you have to be that supportive figure to them, offering reassurance, kindness, love and nurturing them best you can.

It’s been a hard week for varying reasons, and my illness hasn’t actually been one of them, so this is postitive in itself. I am still continuing with my acupuncture sessions which are going really well, this week we progressed to 15 needles so I somewhat resembled hell raiser lol, but I think it is having a positive effect as the pain at the moment is not so intense, which for me is amazing.  Also this week I have had an appointment at the Doctors, for a blood pressure check, as there was some concern about how high it was, and whether it needed treating, (my blood pressure will be high if my brain pressure is high) BUT even with the stresses of the week, which I will go into later, my blood pressure gave a really good reading which we are hoping is due to the weightloss and healthy eating regime! So more positivity right there.

Now as with so many of us, money is the cause of such stress and worry, money is the root of all evil so they say!  As I’m not able to work at the moment I feel there is extra stress on my husband Kev, working hard six days a week to provide for us all, which he does barely grumbling, Kev is a builder, he has his own business, working closely with another builder, together and individually they have produced some amazing houses from scratch  with varying price ranges, houses I could only dream of living in…. so unfair lol, but after Christmas they started on a new job,  where they had been recommended to the client.

I can’t say too much for the fear of slander etc etc, but after doing extensive work, the client has taken it upon himself not to pay,  not pay – do people actually have any idea of the recupussions when they decide I’m not going to pay – the stress it causes, the anger, then the self doubt, all of this I have witnessed from Kev, hearing him toss and turn in bed worrying about the money we havent had, then turning the light on to discuss it again because he just can’t understand it, he has done this job since leaving School (he is now 45) and never has he not been paid, never ever, he and the other Builder are in disbelief, as the client has now changed locks etc so they can’t get on site, so it has been a week of reassuring him that I think he does a brilliant job, and that this client is a giant knobhead, that no one should make people doubt themselves, and we might have to put this one in the fuck bucket and move on.

And move on we will, together we have got through so much, yes money makes life easier, but we are all alive and still together, we have now learnt he has done this to several other builders, let them do the work then kick them off, the sad thing is I doubt he is led in his bed worrying about how to pay his tax bill or his household bills, he is probably led there smug that he has pulled off yet another scam, I am a massive massive believer in Karma, and I say what goes around comes around.  Kev has moved onto a new job, money will catch up, and I said to him, you have a home, two daughters who adore you, a loving family,food in the cupboard, thankfully bills are paid and you have good health, don’t give men like that a second thought. 

Whilst all this has been going on, this week we have also had the roller coaster ride of parenting thrown into the mix, definitely a journey that we as parents all have to go through, a journey of highs and of lows, happiness, tears, anger -actually every emotion going is probably the best way to explain Motherhood.

Kev and I go through this journey together to bring our two gorgeous girls up but along the way, we have the best family and amazing friends by our sides offering their help and love, who could ask for more? Oh and so I’m told hahaha wine and gin help! 

I would not change it for the world 
I hope you have all had a happy and heathy week.
For me this week I have definately used my mantra -A smile is better than a frown 

Lots of love ❤

ASIBTAF 

Brain problems

Monday morning, and off to the place I seem to reside the most…Hospital. My Neurology appointment with my Neurologist Simon Shields, who has been through this journey with me, he diagnosed me with IIH back in July 2015.

Without giving off an air of negativity, when I have appointments with him it’s as if he expects me to tell him what we are going to do next, rather than vice versa, each appointment I explain how the last 3 months have been, generally they  are pretty much the same!!, pressure pain, lumbar puncture, eyes tests, repeat lol, we discuss the dosage of Acetazolamide (also known as Diamox) that I am taking, this drug is a carbonic anhydrase inhibitor used for glaucoma, some types of epilepsy and fluid retention. It reduces CSF production in most patients. However the side effects of taking Diamox , include  tingling of the fingers and toes are the most common, on  high doses I find that my side effects are horrendous I literally cannot function, I feel like I am walking everywhere in thick mud, I have palpitations, sheer exhaustion just walking around the corner, and extreme tiredness like you can’t imagine, this seems to be the only drug on offer for sufferers of IIH, I read that we all pretty much have the same side effects which day to day can be debilitating. I take a dose now that means I can manage each day and most importantly manage my family life, a higher dose may help me more,  but I have no quality of life whilst doing this, so it’s a catch 22, either spend each day in bed comatose or be on less and suffer the threat of Lumbar Punctures.

My progress on Diamox is  monitored closely and I  have regular blood tests to monitor the levels of electrolytes (eg sodium and potassium) and the levels of blood cells in your blood.

Back to the appointment, we discussed the eye appointment if last week, he said he thought the visual field test was only a small negative change, and he would discuss with the ophthalmologist what she thought,(case of déjà vu as she said I should discuss with him!!)

He also brought up maybe we should go down the shunt route, now I can never understand why he does this, it’s as if he doesn’t remember I have already been to an appointment at Southmead, an appointment that I went to with my husband, both of us  full of optimism, I was scared but happy that this may be the answer to my problems obviously no one is excited at the prospect of brain surgery but nonetheless if it helped I would do it.

That day marked probably my lowest point of having this condition, both of our hopes, positivity and almost excitement that I might get better, shot down in a millisecond.  After waiting what seemed like an eternity for the Surgeon to appear and take me in to discuss surgery in the future, we sat there almost in shock as he explained there was no way they would operate on my brain to put a shunt in, as my ventricles are to narrow for a shunt, I don’t think either of us could believe what we were hearing, he explained that they would only do this if my sight was literally going, as it would be to save my sight, but they couldn’t do it now as it would mean I would be really unwell with infection where the shunt would rub, he was really dismissive and almost shocked we had been sent to him, I can remember bluntly saying ‘so what I’m stuck like this forever’ to which he replied ‘I can’t answer that’.
I came out of that room and my heart broke, for any of you that have visited Southmead you will know its a very large space, a space where my crying echoed around the building, Kev hugging me tightly his face etched with disappointment. I cried all the way home, being selfish in someways I guess, thinking that I was stuck with this crappy condition, why did I get stuck with it, what did I do so wrong to end up with it, I remember being even more selfish thinking for a split second that I’d rather not carry on like this.. a thought I’d never repeat, the bollocking I got from Kev for saying that even though it was just words will stay with me. You have to think of the positives I have two amazing children, I have an amazing family, friends who would do anything for me, and actually a caring happy community to live in, as mentioned before all of these contribute to making my life a much happier one.

img_1470
So after reminding him of this, he still said maybe we need a second opinion, so I said in 6 months I would agree to this, but first let me lose some weight, (by the way I have lost more and now 8lbs down) then I would consider it,  he agreed that would be a sensible idea, we scheduled another Lumbar Puncture for the end of Feb/beginning of March which he will do, I actually feel ok when he does them, so that didn’t fill me with too much dread!!

So though it feels like we never move any further, it’s all steps in the right direction, I am really lucky that my neurologist is usally a phone call away, and I can if I’m really unwell get an appointment generally quite quickly I know other sufferers have to wait for months, a LP will help, and the only person who can help with other things is me, I’m the one who can help myself, by taking my meds, follow a healthy eating programme and remember that though I hate the pain, I’m not dying, I am actually blessed with my life!

Have a lovely day wherever you are
Lots of love ASIBTAF 😄

Eye Eye..

It’s been a funny old week, I’ve been to Darlington and back home to Somerset within 24 hours, I have learnt that it’s very very cold in that part of the world, however the taxi driver informed me “It’s not even proper cold yet love” as lovely as the fleeting visit was I must remember to be properly kitted out should I visit again!

My beautiful big girl has been going through some tough times at school, school have been amazing but it’s been an experience I never want to repeat for her or me, and am hoping it all passes soon.  I feel like I am definitely winging it on the Motherhood front.

My beautiful youngest has developed some god awful virus that seems to have affected her breathing, therefore making her lung syndrome that she has make itself known, presenting her with a wheeze, so I seem to follow her round with the inhaler at the ready!

Yesterday I had to attend an IIH related hospital appointment. 

Ophthalmology – I attend these appointments every other month, ophthalmologists can play a vital role in the initial management of IIH. They are often the first to see IIH patients and may then work in concert with a neurologist to monitor treatment, regular visual field tests and comprehensive dilated eye exams are recommended to monitor any changes in vision. I feel thank ful that I am closely monitored and have a lovely Ophthalmologist Dr Robertson.

A number of vision tests may also be performed, including a comprehensive dilated eye exam to look for signs of papilledema. I have papilledema more so in my right eye, but as time has gone on with this condition I now have it in the left.  In intracranial hypertension, papilledema most commonly occurs bilaterally, causing a swelling of the optic disc, it may progress to enlargement of the blind spot, blurring of vision, visual obscurations (inability to see in a particular part of the visual field for a period of time) and ultimately total loss of vision may occur. ( My worst fear)
The  doctor uses an ophthalmoscope (a light with magnifying lenses that is used to look into the back of the eye) to diagnose papilledema. I can’t tell how much I hate this part and to all those with me on this, I feel your pain when we have to have the drops that enlarge our pupils so that they have the ability to see behind through the eye, they sting so much! And if you forget your sunglasses for when you enter outside its pain like no other lol!


 Visual field testing is done to evaluate your peripheral vision. This testing measures the area of space you can see at a given instant without moving your head or eyes, and on this occasion I have failed my test,  this will need to be discussed with my Neurologist, I actually have an appointment with him on the 30th, so no doubt it will be a topic of conversation, leading to yet another delightful Lumbar Puncture no doubt, I say that in the wrong tone as I know how important the Lumbar Punctures are in helping and keeping my sight.

So it wasn’t my best eye appointment to date but I personally think I failed the visual fields as the previous Lumbar Puncture was a success, so hopefully if I have another then it will mean I have a better visual field result, and no real cause for concern. Fingers crossed

Hope you all have had a lovely week.

Love ASIBTAF ❤️

Grief is a suitcase

It has been said –  Grief is a suitcase that sits at the bottom of your bed, and no matter what, without failure, you have to pick it up every day, take it with you. Some days it will be filled with rocks, and you don’t think you can carry it, and then other days, light as a feather.

When my Nan passed away during my teenage years, I thought then I knew what grief really was, I was young, but old enough to know in my mind that I was sad, devastated, and going to miss her forever, I remember thinking I would never stop crying,  that life wouldn’t be the same without her. I can remember hearing family members cry and thinking this is what heartbroken really meant.

When you are younger I think you have some understanding of death and grief, teenagers grieve differently than adults. moving in and out of strong emotions. They are often not able to express in words, how they are feeling or what they need, I think looking back I was quite selfish, probably carried on with my life not taking into account the feeling of others, now I’m older and I think what my own mother must of gone through I wish that I could of been more supportive.

This week marked the anniversary of my Grandfathers death in 2011, 


As I said before I thought I had already experienced grief for someone I loved deeply, when nan (his wife) passed away, but nothing in the world could of prepared me for the feeling of loss, emptiness and sadness I felt when he died.

Grandad was one of my best friends, one of my most favourite humans, I spent a lot of time with him throughout my life, once or twice a week, more if I was passing through his village, he knew nearly every thing there was to know about me, he was a massive part of our lives, he was so close to my Mum and Aunty who were heavily involved in most aspects of his life, we knew he adored us all, and he knew we thought the same of him. 

Grief hits you in many ways, I literally felt I would never be able to say his name and not cry ever again, I would yearn just to talk to him, a constant feeling in the pit of my stomach because I couldn’t , I think it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, it’s difficult to understand why these things happen, why we have to experience such pain, why those we adore can be here one day then gone the next.

Grief is a journey, being a journey unique to each one of us, I found grief  to me was a raw wound, bitterness, anger and denial, it’s the realisation that you will never hear, see or speak to that person again. I am blessed I have so many  treasured memories with him, Mum and I often reminisce about him with great affection some days you can laugh, others your heart hurts because you still miss him so much and tears fill in your eyes,there are so many things in day to day life that remind us of him, his love for really crusty fresh loaves from a baker, If I see a really burnt one I think how much he would of  loved it, and custard creams, the hundreds of custard creams I’m must of shared with him, We all have our many memories of those we have loved and lost.   I know my grief at times overwhelmed me, I couldn’t control it I would just go with it, I was so lucky I was able to support my mum, the family and they did me, each one of us understanding what the other was feeling and going through. I wanted to ensure I was there for my Mum supporting her through it, as we just ‘Got’ what the other was feeling, and still do.

There is no doubt, there is a massive hole left by him in our lives now that he is no longer in it, he was a great man, our journey still continues people say time is a healer, I guess this is true, I treasure the times we had together, I am thankful for all he taught me,  blessed to have known such an amazing man, most of all I’m thankful for the relationship we had, he knew I adored him, I really did, along with my parents he made me the person I am today. 

The pain of losing someone doesn’t go away, as painful as the process is, grief will guide you eventually back to the normality of life, you do survive it, sanity intact, and eventually go on to reclaim your life and enjoyment  despite your loss.

As yet another anniversary of his death passes, I think to myself this is just a date, a date that my family suffered a great a loss, because what followed on from that day ensured that we remembered, loved and missed him daily,  and the date just signified he had gone.

Here are a few lines from David Hawkins – He is gone, which I used when he died, I often read it, as I feel it says what I need at times.

You can shed tears that he is gone,

or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back, 

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

 Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him 

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

And we did share a lot of love.

Remember to share your love, as you never know what’s around the corner, treasure all and who you have.

Loads of ❤️ ASIBTAF 

Blogger recognition award!

https://msnubutterflies.wordpress.com/2017/01/17/blogger-recognition-award/
I would like to say a massive thank you to the very kind Shannon who kindly nominated me  last week for the Blogger Recognition Award.  Sorry for the delay but I’m still finding my feet on word press!

I have enjoyed reading Shannon’s blog, someone else who understands the day to day life of Chronic illness.

Please visit her blog on 

https://msnubutterflies.wordpress.com
I started this blog to share life’s tribulations with IIH Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension, to raise an awareness, sharing my journey through illness, motherhood and life!

My two pieces of advice to new bloggers

  1. Don’t be scared to share your thoughts.
  2. Comment if you enjoy what you have read on someone’s blog! (I love to read what people thought)

Rules:

Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
Write a post to show your award.

Give a brief story of how your blog started.

Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers

Select other bloggers you want to give this award to.

Comment on each blog to let them know you have nominated them and provide a link to the post you created.

I would like to pass on this award too 

https://tlohuis.wordpress.com

https://raisingamancub.wordpress.com/2017/01/05/living-with-a-man/
 

 

Meet and Greet 21/1/17

Meet and Greet: 1/21/17Originally posted on Dream Big, Dream Often:  

 It’s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!!  Strap on your party shoes and join the fun!   Ok so here are the rules: Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post. Reblog this post.  It helps you, it helps me, it…

market, blogs, research, friends, blogger, games, internet, marketing, blogging, friendship

https://dreambigdreamoften.co

https://invisibleillnessesblog.wordpress.com

Weigh day happiness


As some of you may already know, I have been under quite a lot of pressure from many medical professionals to lose weight, as there are various theories that weight loss in patients like my self with idiopathic intracranial hypertension (IIH) reduces intracranial pressure (ICP), eases headaches, and improves papilledema.

Naturally I would want to improve all of these symptoms, I wouldn’t wish the pain I get in my head on my worst enemy, so of course I want to lose weight.

Before I was diagnosed with IIH, I loved nothing better than going  to the gym, working out, lifting weights, sessions with my PT, and cycling.  I would cycle miles for charity, my  long suffering friend Lucy wholeheartedly would support whatever venture I presented her with, many a route we would take and get lost but always find our way home!

For me excercise was the key to my weightloss, I followed a healthy eating plan and did some form of exercise 5 times a week, it helped me mentally and physically. I loved it, previously I had done every diet you can think of , Slimming world, Atkins diet, Dukan diet, Slim fast, but I had finally found something that worked for me, I was happy.

Being diagnosed changed this for me, I found that any strenuous excercise just exacerbated my symptoms, my head would pound,  I would become dizzy and weak. Not an ideal situation to be in, and thus becoming a viscous circle of eating, maybe even at points comfort eating then not burning off what I was eating as I previously had been.

I love food, I love cooking, but best of all I love my Mums cooking, she is known for making amazing cake, cake that I felt made me feel better when I ate it!! When you feel really ill, you don’t think about diets or healthy eating, you think about how dreadful you feel, take your meds to try and get through each day, not about when you can next get to the gym.

So my weight went up, along with that came the various medical professionals advice on losing weight, so off I would go and try to lose weight with no avail, I tried shake diets in desperation of shifting weight before the next Neurology weigh in/appointment, which worked but even losing nearly two stone I had no recognition for my efforts. Though it was a healthy shake diet where I could snack and eat a main meal, it was decided that it was too high in certain ingredients therefore not helping my head pain and I was back to square one.

So as mentioned in my previous blog I unwittingly went to a Dietitian who has put me on a healthy eating plan from the British heart foundation , before this visit I was very much like :-

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” – Erma Bombeck

Now I am literally sobbing at the cake counter, waving at chocolate like it’s my long lost friend, dreaming that the peppermint tea I’m drinking for the fourteenth time that day is actually a full fat Latte.
However I am eating well every day, healthier, eating plenty, initially feeling guilty at how I could eat all I was eating and seriously lose weight, but two weeks in, today was weigh day AND

I’m 6.5 pounds down…

For someone who really struggles to lose weight I was so pleased, I’m hoping this continues, I KNOW my motivation for this won’t change, I want to see if it helps to alleviate my symptoms.  In my research there are mixed stories, some people have lost weight and slightly better, some are significantly better and others have lost half their body weight whom are still the same – really poorly.  In idiopathic cases, weight loss can bring about a remission and therefore should be encouraged. But in other idiopathic cases, weight reduction does not make a difference. If I don’t try I will never know!

I am dedicated enough to do this, and #thisgirlcan!  I have amazing support from family and friends,

Excercise wise – studies show laughter actually is a form of exercise. Taking a moment to relax and have a laugh about those inevitable slip-ups helps the body release endorphins, or natural opiates. Studies show they both play a role in management of pain and induce a feeling of euphoric calm. So I am going to keep laughing adding in some swimming too maybe!!

Off to find a lovely apple…..

Have a lovely evening

Lots of love ASIBTAF ❤