Embrace what makes you unique.

So apparently one in four British adults is obese, according to the UN Food and Agriculture Organisation, prompting fears that the UK has become the “fat man of Europe”.The UK has the highest level of obesity in Western Europe, ahead of countries such as France, Germany, Spain and Sweden, the report says.

Obesity levels in the UK have more than trebled in the last 30 years and, on current estimates, more than half the population could be obese by 2050.

Source: The State of Food and Agriculture 2013 (PDF, 2.44Mb), United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization.

I am that one in four person, I hold my hands up to it, I’m Kirsty and I’m obese, most of my adult years I have been overweight and struggled, though I have been fitter and healthier and happy with how I looked, how I felt, and naturally I long to get back to those days, I wasn’t a size 10 or anything but I was happy, I was a bit more body confident , throughout my adult years my body shape has changed frequently, and my husband has not once commented negatively, he loves me unconditionally, love handles and all.

Back then though it was a really dedicated journey to get to where I wanted to be, Most days  I was up and out of bed to the gym at 5.30am before Kev went to work, I had the best personal trainer you could ever ask for (thank you SB), she did my meal plans on a 6 weekly rota and she beasted me, but you know what I loved it!  The photo on the left was at Kevs 40th and on the right before I got ill in 2015 😏 I was strong not skinny lol. 

My personal weight issues go right back to secondary school, when you see this photo what do you see?

Hopefully like me you see a group of healthy and happy teenage girls? (I am back second from left) However people – ok boys at school didn’t see me like that, more often than not I would walk round with something stuck to my back saying ‘wide load’ or I would have derogatory comments from said boys. So from a young age I assumed I was “fat”, it didn’t matter how much my parents told me I was a normal healthy weight my brain was implanted with the fact I was overweight, I think this is so sad because looking back, I wasn’t I was “normal”.

I think there is such pressure in this day and age to achieve perfection, I have yet to meet one person (apologies if I have) who says to me – oh yes I’m so happy with my body image, it seems we are not,  we always wish for a change of something, I know I have said to friends who are tall, slender and stunning, how amazing they look, how I wish I had a figure like that.. to be told that they too are unhappy with their body, it would seem most of us have body insecurities, and it’s so sad but I totally understand, I have two daughters, and I tell them they are both beautiful and I encourage them to embrace their bodies, I try my best not to say I’m on a diet, I try to say that I’m healthy eating to help my head,  Sometimes one of them asks me what I think about her body shape, I have and always will tell her it’s just perfect like her. It’s a struggle enough for our children to grow up in this day and age with all that occurs plus threats of what society says we should look like via social media, all I wish is for all of our children to be happy with themselves, to love what they have, not too worry about body image, like I did.

I ask myself why do we feel so insecure  about our bodies, why do we wish we had bigger breasts, smaller bottom, or if we could be a stone lighter/ or even heavier and we all want that washboard stomach?
Historically, the ideal female body was strong and full-figured, (god I love this) as seen in icons such as Marilyn Monroe. But we have to remember every body shape is different, yet even as early as the 1800s, when painful, health-impairing corsets were used to accentuate the breasts, hips and buttocks, women were expected to strive for a specific ideal of beauty.

Below is taken from an article in the Daily Mail

Only 3% of women in the UK are totally happy with their body and 73% think about their size or shape every single day, a new survey has found. The survey of 5,000 women, commissioned by REAL magazine, found that 91% of women were unhappy with their hips and thighs, 77% were dissatisfied with their waist and 78% said they had cellulite. Three-quarters of British women were unhappy with their shape, 71% with their weight and six out of 10 said their body image made them feel depressed. Some 65% of those surveyed felt their life would improve considerably if they were happy with their body. 

Word has it, that we culminated our body image worries from catwalk models, tv, and the fad diets, that have seemed so appealing at the time because we too could lose 5 stone in 3 months if we drink a milkshake, (then you have the hard work of keeping it off) but the actual point here is that trying to create the ideal body shape shouldn’t be our ultimate aim anyway – we need to stop judging people by their looks in the first place.

Can we just take a second to remember that every single person is beautiful in their own way, if you think someone looks good tell them – think how you would feel from a positive comment, go on make someone’s day, they may look lovely, have a lovely smile,amazing make up, smell good or my personal fav – amazing shoes lol – tell them,  my Mum will be reading this thinking that I should practice what I write as her shoulder has been wet many a time from tears due to my own body insecurities.

For me it’s thought that my IIH will improve if I continue to lose weight, so far this month I’ve been back in hospital twice, I thought perhaps it was because I must of put on a lot of weight, as I hadn’t had weigh day for a while – no I had put on a pound from the last weigh day, I can honestly say I’m not happy with my appearance so yes my weight loss journey is for me to feel better mentally and physically.  As I’m sure most women (or men) can relate to this, I’m one of these people who gives it my all at the beginning – I’ve done slimming world, Gillian McKeith, Dukan, Herbalife, Cabbage soup,Slim fast, ADF,  you name it I’ve done it – I dedicate a few months too it then I remember just how much I love food,  cake, chocolate, fish and chips – the list is endless, my willpower sucks, I want to give massive shout out to people who do stick at it, I have one old school friend who has lost 10 stone and she totally has my upmost respect such willpower and determination!

But I’m saying it loud and clear I need to refocus make my body healthier and my mind positive, I have to do this for myself, Kev and my children, I almost feel selfish by not trying harder to lose weight as if its my fault my IIH is not improving because of it.  But it’s so hard when I can’t excercise like I did, I’ve tried HIIT, Kettlebells and classes during one of these times my  intercranial pressure raised so quickly I wasn’t sure how I was going to get home,  without droning and whinging too much (sorry) even walking at the moment is an effort with my new Diamox dosage so I am literally just taking each day as it comes.

So my weight loss journey continues – for a healthier and stronger me, I can dwell on the past Kirsty who was fit and healthier or I can focus on the future to a healthier Kirsty by busting IIHs arse and to everyone out there dieting, excercising, having surgery, those who are comfortable in their own skin or fighting an illness  – you are all amazing each and everyone of you,  may you too feel gorgeous and banish any insecurities, instill the positivity to our children also because we will stop worrying about our looks when society stops telling us that they’re all we’re worth. Let’s all of us focus on that first!

Have a lovely week

ASIBTAF 💖

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Weigh day happiness


As some of you may already know, I have been under quite a lot of pressure from many medical professionals to lose weight, as there are various theories that weight loss in patients like my self with idiopathic intracranial hypertension (IIH) reduces intracranial pressure (ICP), eases headaches, and improves papilledema.

Naturally I would want to improve all of these symptoms, I wouldn’t wish the pain I get in my head on my worst enemy, so of course I want to lose weight.

Before I was diagnosed with IIH, I loved nothing better than going  to the gym, working out, lifting weights, sessions with my PT, and cycling.  I would cycle miles for charity, my  long suffering friend Lucy wholeheartedly would support whatever venture I presented her with, many a route we would take and get lost but always find our way home!

For me excercise was the key to my weightloss, I followed a healthy eating plan and did some form of exercise 5 times a week, it helped me mentally and physically. I loved it, previously I had done every diet you can think of , Slimming world, Atkins diet, Dukan diet, Slim fast, but I had finally found something that worked for me, I was happy.

Being diagnosed changed this for me, I found that any strenuous excercise just exacerbated my symptoms, my head would pound,  I would become dizzy and weak. Not an ideal situation to be in, and thus becoming a viscous circle of eating, maybe even at points comfort eating then not burning off what I was eating as I previously had been.

I love food, I love cooking, but best of all I love my Mums cooking, she is known for making amazing cake, cake that I felt made me feel better when I ate it!! When you feel really ill, you don’t think about diets or healthy eating, you think about how dreadful you feel, take your meds to try and get through each day, not about when you can next get to the gym.

So my weight went up, along with that came the various medical professionals advice on losing weight, so off I would go and try to lose weight with no avail, I tried shake diets in desperation of shifting weight before the next Neurology weigh in/appointment, which worked but even losing nearly two stone I had no recognition for my efforts. Though it was a healthy shake diet where I could snack and eat a main meal, it was decided that it was too high in certain ingredients therefore not helping my head pain and I was back to square one.

So as mentioned in my previous blog I unwittingly went to a Dietitian who has put me on a healthy eating plan from the British heart foundation , before this visit I was very much like :-

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” – Erma Bombeck

Now I am literally sobbing at the cake counter, waving at chocolate like it’s my long lost friend, dreaming that the peppermint tea I’m drinking for the fourteenth time that day is actually a full fat Latte.
However I am eating well every day, healthier, eating plenty, initially feeling guilty at how I could eat all I was eating and seriously lose weight, but two weeks in, today was weigh day AND

I’m 6.5 pounds down…

For someone who really struggles to lose weight I was so pleased, I’m hoping this continues, I KNOW my motivation for this won’t change, I want to see if it helps to alleviate my symptoms.  In my research there are mixed stories, some people have lost weight and slightly better, some are significantly better and others have lost half their body weight whom are still the same – really poorly.  In idiopathic cases, weight loss can bring about a remission and therefore should be encouraged. But in other idiopathic cases, weight reduction does not make a difference. If I don’t try I will never know!

I am dedicated enough to do this, and #thisgirlcan!  I have amazing support from family and friends,

Excercise wise – studies show laughter actually is a form of exercise. Taking a moment to relax and have a laugh about those inevitable slip-ups helps the body release endorphins, or natural opiates. Studies show they both play a role in management of pain and induce a feeling of euphoric calm. So I am going to keep laughing adding in some swimming too maybe!!

Off to find a lovely apple…..

Have a lovely evening

Lots of love ASIBTAF ❤

Pain in the back – Lumbar Puncture day!

Now as you all know I’m trying to go down the positivity route, but after my experience yesterday it’s a struggle, however today is a brand new day, I have a wonderful family and friends who love and care for me, this is what keeps me going through this IIH shitty experience.

So yesterday I finally gave in to the fact that I needed yet another Lumbar Puncture, the house was clean and tidy, the girls were ready for school and I had  mentally  prepared them for what was going to happen, I had done this from Saturday, gently explaining that I was not feeling great, that the procedure would help alleviate my symptoms, and that we would all be better for it. My husband had even done the grocery shop in preparation (a) because I physically felt to ill to do so (b) because he wanted to head to screw-fix!! So for the first time in a long time he did the shopping, spending considerably less than I ever have!

So in my mind I could leave them all fed, watered and relatively happy, my parents picked me up at 7.30am, I said my goodbyes which is always so hard for the the three of them, my husband especially (he literally followed me round the house as I tried to get ready looking forlorn and helpess that he has to go to work)and for the girls however hard they try to I know they just don’t understand what is really happening with their Mummy.  

I arrived at A and E looking and feeling like death, went through the usual pleasantries of triage then a bed. See below my lovely bed, there is actually bare sponge exposed there so god knows what I’m lying on! But at this point though my Mum is fuming I’m actually asleep!

I had a really lovely A and E Doctor, she was kind, considerate and caring, rubbing my hand each time, proudly had some codeine brought in for me, she said in her lovely accent (I wasn’t sure where she was from) “Darrrrrling have you had your pudding”,bearing in mind I’m half asleep, not quite with it, I looked totally vacant at her so she repeated it again rolling the r  in Darling, no sorry, still a vacant look from me, and a mystified Mum in the background! “Darrrrrling have you had your tablets I am saying” she replies “ah yes I say yes thank you”she rubbed my hand and off she went, I never knew tablets were called pudding lol.

This article is from the Daily Mail:-

And Dr Taj Hassan, president of the Royal College of Emergency Medicine, warned: ‘Meltdown is an emotive term but what is undoubtedly true is that emergency departments and hospital staff are absolutely working at their very limit – and that’s not sustainable.

‘NHS staff are incredibly dedicated, but they are human beings and they can’t carry on working at 110 per cent with hospitals full, emergency departments overcrowded, and ambulances queuing up for prolonged periods 

Yesterday you could tell that the above is true, apart from the the sweet A and E Doctor, there was literally no more kindness or compassion, now I know what you could be thinking, does this woman ever just not moan about her condition or her appointments, the truth is I promise you I try to go with open mind, positivity and most of all I try to be grateful, grateful that people are trying to help me, as I’m sure I could be portrayed as the woman who is always moaning or ungrateful, however I can assure you I am not.

Next I’m told by a male nurse I’m to have an ECG, again I was asleep so woke up to him pulling up my top and slapping the pads on, and me being thankful I had a decent bra on, not one of my white now dark grey holey ones. I was then told I would be moved to Ambulatory care unit where I would have my Lumbar Puncture, never in my various A and E visits had I been put here, so this was a new experience, plus I have never had a Lumbar Puncture within hours of arrival, so brilliant Mum and I thought..

Now I won’t lie I absolutely hate Lumbar Punctures, to be fair who would like them lol, but I know they reduce my symptoms greatly so know it’s what is needed.  

Quick explanation on a LP, from the NHS website.

The procedure:-

In most cases, you’ll be asked to lie on one side and to curl up, with your knees up and your chin in, so your spine is curved. This helps to separate the bones in your spine, allowing the needle to be inserted more easily.

Sitting while bending forwards is an alternative position, although it’s not always suitable.
An antiseptic solution will be applied to the skin at the base of the spine. A local anaesthetic is then used to numb the area of the lumbar puncture site. If a child needs to have a lumbar puncture, medication may be given beforehand to help them relax and keep calm.
The doctor (or sometimes a specially trained nurse) will insert a special spinal needle between the bones at the base of the spine and into the spinal canal, penetrating the membrane containing the cerebrospinal fluid (CSF).
Occasionally, you may feel a sudden, sharp sensation in one of your legs if the needle tip touches one of the nerves within the spinal canal. This is only a brief pain and it will indicate to the doctor a need to adjust the needle’s direction.
Once the needle is in the correct position, the CSF will begin to drip out. Usually, the CSF pressure is then measured by attaching a length of plastic piping to the needle to see how far up the tube the fluid rises. This is called manometry. You may be asked to cough or strain while this is being done and the doctor may press gently on one side of your neck, to check that the CSF can pass freely between your head and spinal canal. 

Following manometry, samples are usually collected in sterile containers. Only a small amount is normally needed for testing, but more may be removed if the doctor needs to reduce the pressure within the head.
Once the procedure is complete, the needle will be removed and a small plaster is applied. The whole procedure usually takes about 30-45 minutes, in most cases.

I have had a few of these now, some amazing experiences where I am okish after and sadly two that left me so ill was bedridden for two weeks, literally only able to crawl to the toilet, this is because of something called a low pressure headache, now this in itself it often worse than the IIH, so my Neurologist kindly made a plan, that I should if possible lie flat for as long as I can after, I usually stay in overnight then home the next day or so.

This is what works for me and my body, we all learnt this is how I respond better to a Lumbar, I have always explained my fear of them, explained what happened to me after them and the procedure I’m meant to follow. I have always had a kind gentle person carrying out the procedure, never the same person, but nevertheless they have always listened, and been empathetic.

So I’m in the cubicle waiting for the Doctor, who is almost like a whirlwind, she comes in, neither of us catch her name she then does a physical examination checking my mental alertness and my coordination and balance, she checks for numbness or weakness in myface, arms, and legs; confusion; and trouble speaking and seeing clearly, she does it so fast I can barely think what she wants me to do next, it’s like I’m on fast forward doing dance moves.

The trolley comes in with the LP kit on, so  I broach the fact I’m a bit nervous, and I get a short sharp, “well don’t,I do do this all the time you know, I am competent”

So I reply with “oh gosh I was not implying you weren’t sorry I just wanted you to know I’m a bit nervous”. Mum broaches the the aftercare bit we are both looking nervous, “is Kirsty able to lie flat for a few hours as per norm”and explains previous situations, and the fact that’s the protocol from the Neurologist.  Well you would of thought we had asked her for her own blood, “uh no, that won’t be happening she will be fine to be up and about immediately after, you can wait in the waiting room in a chair but no there is no need for her to be led flat, go home and lie down, I do these all the time everyday and people do not need to lie flat”,almost rolling her eyes at me,  so now I’m crying the wimp that I am, because I’m scared and now I know when its over I’m up and out the bed and in a few hours will be in excruciating pain, she hands me a tissue and says” let’s begin shall we”

The procedure begins, my knees are up to my chest, and I’m practically kissing my own boobs, trying to man up not cry, she only hits a nerve a few times which I am thankful for as it’s so painful, conversation starts about the condition between the Doctor and a student Doctor about the IIH, and how this LP will reduce CSF etc, then the corker hits mid LP, me being brave, head in bosom…

“So Kirsty are you going to try lose weight? What would work well for you do you think?”

Mum looks horrified, no reassuring words  from the Dr, the usual are you ok, your doing well, not long now etc just – so fatty you need to shift a few pounds (my interpretation)

Well what works well for me well let me see – her buggering off and me never seeing her again would work quite well, instead I feel crimson with embarrassment, eyes stinging holding in the tears and ignore it.  Cue – Mum, who gently explains before this illness I was a gym bunny, I had a personal trainer, I cycled miles for charities one being that b hospital, I was fit and healthy, and sadly at the moment excercise was not a choice, as it made me so ill… Silence from everyone.

Sadly though the LP was done, she couldn’t measure it properly, she told us that she didn’t know what she had taken off, and whether the reading was true because something had blocked it probably a bit of blood, so it was done but no idea of true readings -fanbloodytastic thanks love! And true to her word straight after, the bed head was up I was upright and she was gone, Mum and I sat there shell shocked, me scared of pain due to approach, back throbbing and Mum I think because yet again, she was disappointed in how we’d been treated.

And off we went, Dad collected us and I went to stay with my parents, obviously the children and my husband were overjoyed I was back there,it was lovely to see them so relieved that we hadn’t been parted for long, lots of lovely cuddles and kisses.  Around 6pm the pain kicked in, and I’m managing it with pain killers and lots of fluids, I’m hoping it will subside soon, as I lay here the following day reflecting on it all, I feel sad I was not listened to, and that I know she may have been stressed, under pressure or being that much younger than me she hasn’t had as many life experiences, maybe she was having a bad day,who knows, but do you know what it makes me more determined to smile or show kindness to people who need it, no matter what age, race or gender, if they look sad, upset, worried – smile more, give a kind word, ask if they are ok.

It’s costs nothing to do so.

Loads of ❤ A smile is definitely bloody better than a frown xxxxx

 Foggy Saturday 

This is the view from my window today, no glorious sunshine, no chilly frost, just this foggy dismal day, it’s a day that makes you want to snuggle up on the sofa  with a blanket, watch a film and eat rubbish, the skies are grey and dismal not dissimilar to how my eyebags are looking at the moment.

Following on from the Acupuncture I had on Thursday, I have been absolutely wiped out, I’m not sure if it’s coincidence that I may possibly need a Lumbar Puncture or it’s as Vicky the Physiotherapist said I could feel quite tired after, tired is an understatement, I feel like I could sleep forever! I think I need to investigate whether I should feel this tired for this long, but as I say it could be a culmination of things, either way I have my STRONG top on today and that is the focus word of the day!


https://www.thefmlystore.com/collections/women/products/black-oversized-strong-tee
I hate days like this when it’s dark and murky, it literally makes my crave crappy foods to eat why is this? I blame the weather but I think I feel like this daily lol, however in my quest to regain my life and possibly reduce IIH symptoms, I am 5 days into my new healthy eating plan and apart from today of wanting to eat anything in the cuboards, it’s gone well.

I’m finding it hard to comprehend that it’s ok to eat 7 yes 7 starchy foods in my day, though the portions are small I feel paranoid at eating so much! Thinking that surely I am doing it wrong throughout the day, you may remember a few blogs back, I ended up at a weight management clinic, this is the diet they have asked me to follow.

My day consists of the usual 5 mandatory portions of fruit and vegetables, this I have always done with ease, then to the 7 starchy portions so this is bread, rice, cereals, potatoes, cous cous, bagels, crumpets etc, well at 11am when I’m tucking into my low fat bagel I have such guilt thinking how on earth will this work when I have more starchy things to eat? We then have to fit in 3 portions of milk and dairy, my daily soya milk takes up one of these, then I usually have a yogurt or a matchbox size piece of cheese!! 2 portions of any sources of protein  meat quorn etc, 2 portions of spreading fats, oils, dressings, sauces and finally you can have a 100kcal snack which may be high fat/high sugar foods or even alcohol.

The 100kcal snack today is not going to cover the cakes, biscuits, or king size dairy milk I want to sink my teeth into, today my mantra STRONG is coming into play, I will NOT eat any of these things, because

  • I want to become healthier
  • I DO NOT need Chocolate (quietly sobs)
  • I  want to get better
  • I will stay away from the kitchen
  • I can do this (still sobbing) lol

Seriously though I know to get anywhere I have to stay strong and motivated, today I’m probably just overtired, and it’s kicking in that I’m not eating the lovely (crap) foods I was over the festive period, where I went with the motto eat drink and be merry or in my case eat eat and be merry!!!

I will be posting updates on how the healthy eating plan goes, the scales have been removed by my Mum from this house, so I can’t scale hop like I usually do, this in itself is an addiction I have had to beat, going cold turkey from the scales, so with that and sugar withdrawal it’s all going on!

https://www.bhf.org.uk/publications/healthy-eating-and-drinking/facts-not-fads—your-simple-guide-to-healthy-weight-loss
This is the link for those of you interested in my healthy eating plan, fingers crossed for me it works!

Hope your day is a happy and healthy one.
❤ ASIBTAF xxxxxx

Another day, another hospital appointment 

To be honest I have wanted to write this all day, but haven’t been able to start it, I’m not sure if it’s the frame of mind im in, or because I am feeling really tired or the fact that the appointment humiliated me so much perhaps I shouldn’t share it, but you know what, I should share it how else can other people relate to it, or know someone else has been through the same.

So I will share my shitty day with you… it was an early start for my Mum and I as the train was at 7.44am, we had to drive to the station in Castle Cary as the train is direct from there so perfect 20 mins on the train rather than hour or so in the Car, I unfortunately can’t drive too far/long distances due to the damage in my right eye from Papilledema (Papilledema is optic disc swelling that is caused by increased intracranial pressure. The swelling is usually bilateral and can occur over a period of hours to weeks) so tend to just potter locally.

Whilst deep in conversation with my Mum on the journey to the station which is a short drive away from home,  I realise  I’ve totally cocked up and that I’m in bloody Shepton Mallet, the total opposite direction to the bloody station after a quick 360 degree turn around the roundabout we make a hi turn to the station trying to keep within speed limits, we literally park up, and run for the train, we arrive at 7.43am train is a mentioned before 7.44am, so much for leaving with plenty of time, this can only happen to me.

On the train flustered but relieved I think about the appointment ahead, the letter I received said it was an Endocrinology appointment, this is a new and first for me in this field, I was hoping that this was going to be a positive appointment and maybe give me some answers in the link between hormones and IIH. Endocrinology is the study of medicine that relates to the endocrine system, which is the system that controls hormones. An endocrinologist will deal with diseases that are caused by problems with hormones.

How wrong could I be to think that?

I checked in, was about to sit down with a cheeky soya chai latte when I was approached by a diabetic nurse wanted to know if I would help with a research project and if I would partake in some questionnaires, I couldn’t see a problem with this, I was a bit confused but thought it was part of it all, as I was sitting filling in paperwork she mentioned my appointment in the weight loss clinic, I could feel the humiliation on my face, and the look of confusion on my Mums, I ask her what she means and get out my letter with the Endocrinology appointment, whilst still feeling really comfused, she says oh yes that is a clinic held here but also the consultant on the letter runs the weight loss clinic here today, at the point I literally don’t know whether to laugh or cry, Mum looks like she fit to explode and calmy (though I know her and she would probably like to throttle whoever has set this up) she asks what is going on, the nurse says did you not know that this is why you are here, to look at how we can help your daughters weight problem, by now I actually want the ground to open up, please do not think I am naive I know I need to lose weight, I know I’m not an average size, but can I just add just over two years ago before IIH I was super fit, I was in the gym 5 days a week, I cycled miles for various charities and though I wasn’t a perfect size 12 then either I was fit and healthy.  I really don’t need someone to tell me I’m overweight I am well aware, we all sit there looking confused, shocked and in the case of the nurse red faced.

I then continue with an appointment with the Endocrinologist, who says my wonderful GP asked for a referral for me, yes the same lovely GP who last week asked me if I was going to consider weight loss surgery and I said no thank you, please DO NOT think I am against people who have had it done because I don’t, I actually have the upmost respect for these people and think they are amazing for doing something that I am so afraid of, he asks me various health questions we touch slightly on hormones and even do blood tests to touch on whether or not I’m menopausal, we then discuss my options, but do you know what hurt the most during this  whole embarrassing farce, when he says well you look very well,not too much wrong at the moment! this is the point where I feel my voice wobble and I fight back the tears to say, I’m 4 weeks post LP , I’m always a little better after, but my balance and sight aren’t great sadly.

After then discussing my daily diet, the fact that I can’t excercise because my head just won’t allow it at the moment, we agree that I will rethink my daily calorie allowance and in 3 months I will go back to them to be weighed and assessed again how that fills with me with deep joy.  Again I stated at this time I would not like surgery, I think it just makes me more determined be strong  enough to fight the flab by myself.


Though this is upsets me I hate that there is such a stigma with weight, I know that being lighter should make me healthier but and I know this sounds like an excuse, so many women with this condition suffer with the massive struggle to shift any weight, its hard so hard, I know I would lose my pounds if I was able to get back to my fitness regime, but having tried to then needing a LP, not long after I know my limits, I would walk more, but literally I need an arm or a stick,  those close to me know I will grab an arm and they will happily take me on lol, but if I’m with someone new I don’t feel comfortable linking arms with them and marching on, and my stupid stubbornness or even embarrassed (yes I know I’m ridiculous) stops me from taking out my stick, it takes me back to my favourite phrase of if I use the stick then the IIH has won, I can imagine people reading this thinking well that’s just plain vanity, it’s not, I’m just mortified that this could happen to some one like me, some one who as my wonderful consultant pointed out looks normal, I know those who love me and are close to me know when I’m going through a really bad episode and can recognise the signs and I do appreciate that people that don’t know me can not understand the condition, which is why I’m doing this, to hopefully bring more awareness. 

I do find that after most of my hospital appointments I come out feeling so disheartened, sadly I know I’m not the only sufferer who feels like this and it’s just so sad, that in this day and age there is not enough knowledge about this condition that you can leave with positivity and happiness.  I did have high hopes for today, and thanks to a huge lack of miscommunication this was not the case.

The best thing that came out of the day was spending some time with my Mum, just her and I, there always has to be something good out of these days, and a bit of Mother and daughter bonding is always good.

And last night feeling totally shattered, slightly upset that I was suffering  with weight stigma and feeling shame placed upon me based on my weight or my body size. I looked at my oldest daughter who proudly brought me a cup of tea, got in beside me, lovingly stroked my head, told me just how much she loved me it was then I realised that dwelling on the day won’t help, but looking to the future with positivity and 1500 kcals lol isn’t so bad.

Lots of love ASIBTAF ❤️

So today is already one of those days ….

So this morning I knew I had to be around after the school run, as the blind man was coming, not blind as in eyesight but blind as in Roller  and Venetian!

I was told he would be arriving by 9.15am, this was a good plan as I have the doctors at 10.50am so I thought I could get him in and settled then I could nip off to the doctors, he is well known to friends and Neighbours so I knew it was safe to do.

So my time keeping isn’t always great and I appreciate people get held up, especially at this time of year..it gets to 10am no sign, so I feel I should ring to see where he is, the lady who measured for the blinds answers then tells me she told me later in the day, now with my head I know I totally cack things up, so I question myself?  Mum (Whom I literally can’t live without for her help, love and organisational skills) tells me to write everything down, so I have been, I have two huge diarys filled with letters and appointments, yes I know I can write it on my phone but I need to see that I’ve actually written it!! 

So whilst talking to her on the phone very politely I say I’m sure you said 9.15am after the school drop and for once I remember I have a witness a friend was here for coffee so I know she heard it too as we discussed it on the school run this morning, (more on that later!). We agree she will ask the fitter what time he will come, and she will ring me back, secretly I want to stand my ground and get stroppy, do they not know I was up at 6.30am bleaching the bloody window surrounds and removing old blinds in preparation, but I refrain and agree.

Phone rings it’s the lady, she tells me he will be with me around 11ish AND actually I was right she did tell me 9.15, but won’t be telling people that time in future, she will be more flexible on the time scale, well there’s something we both agree on! 

So after feeling a bit huffy, I then actually rejoice that it wasn’t my head that cocked up, it was her. 

My head/IIH  has made me do some corkers, like a book a table for breakfast, turn up on the day I had arranged to meet friends only to have arranged it at the venue for the day after! It’s made me totally not realise I have appointments with people (sorry Jess) and thank god people have reminded me as I would never of turnt up(thanks mum) It’s made me put items in the most random of places Kev (husband) can literally find anything in the fridge. When my IIH is at it’s worst those close to me know that anything random can come out of my mouth, recently at a family dinner I told my Uncle I had a fish in my hole, mortified i explained that the fish I had from cracker had a hole in, lots of laughing as I cringed. Another time I was out with a friend and my words literally came out in a Chinese tone, we actually cried with laughter and relive it occasionally.  I couldn’t do it like that again if I tried.

Anyway carrying on with my day, I’m sat in the doctors waiting room for my 10.50am appointment, the happiness I feel as I see an empty waiting room is short lived as I’m told there are 3 in front me to arrive… happy days. 

People arrive in I’m sat on my own a lady sits on side of me in the bloody EMPTY waiting room and continues to get her toiletries out, she then procedes to cover herself (and me) in the rankest perfume known to man OMG I try to hold in my choking to no avail I end up having a coughing fit and she turns and looks at me in disgust and moves up. Next a youngish man sits the other side.. but he decides his shoulder length hair is not styled properly, so proceeds to nip to the loo which is just a door to the left of me cup his hands full in with water and literally cover me and him so he can smack it down, so now not only do I smell like a tarts boudoir, I look like a drowned rat, no apology nothing he just must be thinking as he checks in the nearby mirror, it’s not quite done so repeats the process by now I have moved for the fear of walking into the Doctors room looking like I’m in a Miss Wet Tshirt competition.

Two more people go in and it’s finally my turn, now I dread any visit to my actual gp, people I have talked to who also have this on a IIH Forum, are pretty much with me on this, there doesn’t seem to be an actual understanding of this condition amongst some Doctors ( and if people who have got this have got Doctor who gets it please share them with me) Obviously my Neurologist is meant to understand but he has his own problems which I will explain another time!

So today is a what shall we do next appointment – how shall we proceed, I’m 4 weeks post Lumbar Puncture and feeling okish since, not amazing and normal but so much better than previous to it.

I go in, we do the pleasantries and get to the nitty gritty, well basically she starts by saying ‘I think your depressed and that’s making your head hurt and then you anxious I think you need to take meds for anxiety and depression’..what do you think about this?

In my head I’m thinking are you actually bloody joking, your saying that the build up of Pressure in my brain is because I’m depressed you total knobhead…instead I reply with no actually I don’t think I’m depressed or anxious, yes there are times this condition gets me down (namely when my Neurologist told me I just don’t know what I more I can do to help you, you know Mrs A..) but no I don’t need to take anti depressants as well as the others meds I’m currently on, thank you Doctor, as you well know it took me years to come off them following PTSD and PND, so no thank you I won’t at the moment.

I can’t tell you how frustrated I am this moment, she hadn’t asked how I felt just told me how I felt, we then follow on with me weight (always a favourite subject of mine NOT) – So how is your weightloss going she asks, again in my head I want to say – Well you can see I’m still morbidly obese and we have just discussed that I seem to be retaining fluid in various joints, so yes I’m doing so well I will be a size 12 next month FML.

Instead I say yes I’m trying but its very hard when I can’t excercise like I used to or even feel like doing it.

Her reply to this – Is well you need to think about that Gastric band or balloon it could be very helpful?! by now I’ve had enough and politely say ok yes il think about that, and thanks for your help, have a lovely Christmas, I know she trying to help me so don’t think I’m ungrateful but this is about the millionth conversation we have had together on it throughout the past year and after saying a few times it’s not a route I want to take, it was nicer to say I will think about it.

I get in my Car feel very pissed off, and actually want a good cry or moan to Mum, Kev  or one of my close friends but actually I’m not going to cry because otherwise it’s won again, so I crank up Sia – Alive and pretend I can sing it well and loud like an X Factor finalist all the way home – hoping I don’t give myself a headache!

I’m not a negative person some would say quite the opposite, but when all you want to do is get better, and there is no cure or in my case no actual medical help it’s just so frustrating, you want just one person to get it or say let’s try something new and in this part of the country it seems this is not available. ….Anyway enough moaning, back to the School run as mentioned previously, so yesterday I actually thought I may win Mum of the year award from my 9 year old daughter, I found some hideous glittery heeled party shoes – in my eyes they were her idea of heaven, so I purchased.

Today whilst on the school run waiting in the car park for the gates to open, I remembered they were in the car, so I excitedly said to her OMG I have the best present for you!, she looked very excited I got them from the boot, and proudly presented them to her.

The actual look of what the hell have you brought me Mummy was was one where I actually wanted to laugh, but felt a tad dismayed at her disappointment, she said to me Mummy what are these? Do you actually want me to wear them? She at this point is still looking at them with astonishment and discust, I should of known from that point on how my day was going to map out….

Anyway lovelies hope your day is full of smiles.
Lots of Love ASIBTAF ❤️