Dear Kev,

Dear Kev
I said to you just this morning, I didn’t know what to blog about as I’m sure people are bored of me droning on about my illness, you said write it about something else for a change then.

So I thought I would write you this, we met properly way back in Sherborne in 1999, as you know I thought that you were a total tit, you approached me drunk, waving a carrier bag in your hand and a pint of Guinness in the other, you apologised for the look you were going for that day, but you had to buy this tshirt to replace the one you had spilt Guinness down.  Now this was not the first time we had met, we originally met in your home town in a pub, where back then you and your friends thought you were the top totty of town, and I was,  in your words “Gobby with big boobs” and not worth talking too! I can remember Lucy trying to get in your car, and you being very displeased at her actions as your car was your pride and joy, I used to watch you cruise around town in your white VW Convertible with your tunes banging out wishing I could be in it, only to be too young, too gobby but in my favour a good pair of breasts!

Fast forward a few years and we go back to that night in Sherborne, the tables had turnt, I am now worth talking too, but the feeling is not reciprocated, I thought you were too drunk, too old and too shy for me! But you didn’t give up, and we finally started our blossoming romance with a smooch or two in Pego (Pego those that know me will smile, and those that don’t, Pego was The Pegasus Club,our local small nightclub where the locals went on a Friday or Saturday night until 2am for a dance, stick to the floor, make new friends in the loo, drink and to check out the talent, many a relationship started at Pego, we all have many happy fun memories made in there, sad to think it’s now an empty boarded up shell.)

We went on many dates, and I just wasn’t sure, we were such opposites, you were quiet, shy and gentle, plus you drank way too much – which I later realised was as you said because you had no reason to stay at home, I was young loud, confident and out there, and a into Young farmers (the group rather than any random young male farmer!!)

You were established in life as a builder, you had a mortgage, a nice car, and I was just starting out, I was really scared of commitment as I had never really done so before, and just continued to mess you around  so you finally gave me an ultimatum – commit or go away and never come back, I chose the latter, I remember going home to Mum and Dad saying you had shouted that at me, crying my eyes out thinking you were such a knobhead, and them saying I shouldn’t see you again if you were like that.

6 months later I missed you, I missed you every darn day from that night you told me to go away, but I was stubborn (yes I know I still am), I missed you that much I would make my little brother come with me to stalk you in my Rover 25  poor Mike would be doing laps round town unaware we were actually following you around, then thankfully, out of the blue you text me on my birthday “Happy Birthday love Kev.”

A few nights later  I tried to contact you I rang, I text and nothing, just answerphone, I was with Sharon – whom I must say played a big part in this love story as she was generally there willing me on – we waited and waited –  finally you called me back, it was late but I didn’t care I had to see you and met you down moor lane bridge lol.

From that night onwards we were never apart, I guess I realised that you were a definate keeper, you may not be a man of many words, but the beautiful  words you have said I will treasure in my heart – for example on our wedding day you said –  you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen (and then you added I thought the wrong woman walked in haha)  I had to write that in as I was crying at the time and it made me laugh, which is what you always try to do, make me laugh,  we must be the only couple that cry with laughter because one time as your going off to work you stop, kiss me good bye and say I’m counting down the hours until I see you again!  any other woman would be find that a loving gesture but all we could do was laugh.

Now Kev not to say we haven’t been through some dark times we have, we have known what it’s like to hit rock bottom, for you to have no work, me have to borrow money from my parents to feed and cloth the girls, we had to sell my beautiful ring (un beknown to me my gorgeous parents brought it back and you paid them weekly for some time then presented it to me on my birthday – my heart burst that day I genuinely thought I would never see it again) to pay the bills.

We have argued, even got to a point where we wondered if we had future  – and we can’t change the past – I know We have both been in some bleak places you after losing your lovely Nan, me with the god awful depression after our second child was born, Losing my Grandad and recently with the IIH but you and my parents have got me through it, I am sorry that recently I told you to leave me, and that you should find someone better than me, someone who wasn’t ill, overweight and a pain in the arse, I thought you deserved a better life, one where your not always working to provide for us, because I cannot work, one where I’m not being whisked off to hospital – which I know crucifies you, you try and hide your feelings and until last September it made me think you didn’t care. (I know you do)

Last September you accompanied me to a Lumbar Puncture, you had never been with me before it was one of the good ones, I remember thinking you looked traumatised when you left me, but seemed ok the next day.

Two weeks later we had a night out, with our closest friends,  the alcohol made all of your true feelings come out –  everything came out, it upset me so much to see you broken, and how you said that Lumbar Puncture had made you realise you wished there was something you could do to make me better and that you generally feel helpless, do you know what Kev you do something to help, your there everyday when I open my eyes, you make me laugh, you are a fantastic Father to our girls,  you drive me crazy at times, your time spent in the bathroom makes me want to scream, when you forget things it drives me demented, when you can’t keep to the speed limits I literally want to karate chop you, but I want you to know I appreciate all you do, you do work so hard, we never go without and you know what else Kev in your own words like you said to me last week, Kirsty I do love you,  you know , always have done and always will- this is enough for me Kev your love, caring nature and sense of humour. 

So Kev when I’m being a complete bitch raving on about something that’s not really worth kicking off about – generally it’s when your driving my car, been in the bathroom for an hour or making me watch Sci- Fi, remember this –  we are team, and though I cry, whinge, can be hormonal, demand chocolate,  we have come through so so much and I thank you for being you, the other half me and I thank you for persevering all those years ago because you have made me who I am, wife, Mother family member and friend.

In the words of Whitney – And I will always love you.

All my love 

The Gobby one with the big boobs.

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Grief is a suitcase

It has been said –  Grief is a suitcase that sits at the bottom of your bed, and no matter what, without failure, you have to pick it up every day, take it with you. Some days it will be filled with rocks, and you don’t think you can carry it, and then other days, light as a feather.

When my Nan passed away during my teenage years, I thought then I knew what grief really was, I was young, but old enough to know in my mind that I was sad, devastated, and going to miss her forever, I remember thinking I would never stop crying,  that life wouldn’t be the same without her. I can remember hearing family members cry and thinking this is what heartbroken really meant.

When you are younger I think you have some understanding of death and grief, teenagers grieve differently than adults. moving in and out of strong emotions. They are often not able to express in words, how they are feeling or what they need, I think looking back I was quite selfish, probably carried on with my life not taking into account the feeling of others, now I’m older and I think what my own mother must of gone through I wish that I could of been more supportive.

This week marked the anniversary of my Grandfathers death in 2011, 


As I said before I thought I had already experienced grief for someone I loved deeply, when nan (his wife) passed away, but nothing in the world could of prepared me for the feeling of loss, emptiness and sadness I felt when he died.

Grandad was one of my best friends, one of my most favourite humans, I spent a lot of time with him throughout my life, once or twice a week, more if I was passing through his village, he knew nearly every thing there was to know about me, he was a massive part of our lives, he was so close to my Mum and Aunty who were heavily involved in most aspects of his life, we knew he adored us all, and he knew we thought the same of him. 

Grief hits you in many ways, I literally felt I would never be able to say his name and not cry ever again, I would yearn just to talk to him, a constant feeling in the pit of my stomach because I couldn’t , I think it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life, it’s difficult to understand why these things happen, why we have to experience such pain, why those we adore can be here one day then gone the next.

Grief is a journey, being a journey unique to each one of us, I found grief  to me was a raw wound, bitterness, anger and denial, it’s the realisation that you will never hear, see or speak to that person again. I am blessed I have so many  treasured memories with him, Mum and I often reminisce about him with great affection some days you can laugh, others your heart hurts because you still miss him so much and tears fill in your eyes,there are so many things in day to day life that remind us of him, his love for really crusty fresh loaves from a baker, If I see a really burnt one I think how much he would of  loved it, and custard creams, the hundreds of custard creams I’m must of shared with him, We all have our many memories of those we have loved and lost.   I know my grief at times overwhelmed me, I couldn’t control it I would just go with it, I was so lucky I was able to support my mum, the family and they did me, each one of us understanding what the other was feeling and going through. I wanted to ensure I was there for my Mum supporting her through it, as we just ‘Got’ what the other was feeling, and still do.

There is no doubt, there is a massive hole left by him in our lives now that he is no longer in it, he was a great man, our journey still continues people say time is a healer, I guess this is true, I treasure the times we had together, I am thankful for all he taught me,  blessed to have known such an amazing man, most of all I’m thankful for the relationship we had, he knew I adored him, I really did, along with my parents he made me the person I am today. 

The pain of losing someone doesn’t go away, as painful as the process is, grief will guide you eventually back to the normality of life, you do survive it, sanity intact, and eventually go on to reclaim your life and enjoyment  despite your loss.

As yet another anniversary of his death passes, I think to myself this is just a date, a date that my family suffered a great a loss, because what followed on from that day ensured that we remembered, loved and missed him daily,  and the date just signified he had gone.

Here are a few lines from David Hawkins – He is gone, which I used when he died, I often read it, as I feel it says what I need at times.

You can shed tears that he is gone,

or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back, 

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

 Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him 

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

And we did share a lot of love.

Remember to share your love, as you never know what’s around the corner, treasure all and who you have.

Loads of ❤️ ASIBTAF