When you wish you could make everything better!

When I agreed that my eldest could have a rabbit, not for one minute did I imagine how attached to him we, well me would become, I’m more a dog as a pet kind of girl.  I agreed to us having this rabbit under the pretence that Maisy would feed it, clean it and generally look after him and most of this she does, though I have found myself cleaning him out most weeks with the help of Mais, I say help but it’s more  of her being the foreman giving out orders on how, what to do and if I’m doing it correctly whilst she dances around the patio with the brush.

Initially I found this gorgeous small and cute bunny on the internet from a breeder Wayback Warren, http://www.waybackwarren.co.uk/

They breed French and mini lops, the photo I first saw of our rabbit was deceiving because when we went to see him he was huge, I am so naive I thought the tiny rabbit in the photo was staying that size, I remember doing a double take at the one she presented to us, I said to her that’s not the one in the photo surely, yes she said it’s just grown, and hasn’t finished growing yet, I was actually scared this animal resembled a small puppy, Kev was the only one who would handle it, the rest of us were scared!!!

So we took what we thought was a female home, Maisy was besotted with it, she loved it, cared for it, dressed HER in the pretty build a bear dresses, pushed HER around in a pink pushchair and Flo as the rabbit was then called loved it, sitting like a queen as she rode around…..

All until one day My Mum and Maisy came across something unusual,

It goes like this via text message:-

Mum: Kirsty are you sure Flo is a girl?

Me: Yes of course, that’s what they told me, why would you think otherwise?

Mum: Well Maisy has just held the rabbit up to me, she said she thought Flo was unwell because she has found a lump or two.

Me: Oh god is she ill then Mum? Does she need to see the vet?

Mum: Kirsty the rabbit has balls, not lumps Flo is a boy not a girl and Maisy is not happy at all.

Maisy not happy at all was an understatement, she was devastated, totally inconsolable, and almost disgusted, when trying to reason with her that it was still her rabbit, her best friend who loved her, she replied with : 

Mummy you have no idea what it feels like, no idea at all, my rabbit has been dressing up as a woman for the past 6 months, I have been loving my baby girl, how would you like it Mummy if you gave birth to me as a girl, then suddenly I changed to a boy? You wouldn’t like it one bit.!!!

I saw her point ..

It took some adjusting for her to get used to us calling Flo, Archie instead, if we dare mix up the names, we would get the death stare from Maisy, Archie soon adjusted to rocking his manliness, with his new male wardrobe and yellow instead of pink lead for when he cruised around the pavements of where we live.

Archie has also had the closest near death experience I think you could possibly get:- by deciding to venture to next doors garden and nearly become their terriers new toy, how on earth he didn’t get eaten that day I will never know, Maisy noticed he had gone from the garden, she was venturing on hysterical, my baby has gone my baby has gone she cried, I thought I know where that little bugger is I hopped on the garden chair to peer over the fence  to see him in a stand off with the dog, literally the dog would chase him, Archie would chase the dog, by now Kev is running like Mo Farah to get to the neighbours to rescue him, I’m still balanced on the chair hanging off of the fence praying that I don’t have to witness the carnage that could occur, gently shouting his name like it’s actually helping, Maisy is now at the point of no return screaming, he’s dead, he’s dead, how will I cope without him, Kev the superhero is swiftly in the garden, the dog does not want to give his new found friend up, Archie literally jumps into Kevs arms, gives the dog the V sign and comes home.

Definately shaken from this little adventure, one I hasten to add he hasn’t repeated, he was out of sorts for a good week, with a few war wounds on his long ears but generally unscathed, he survived and went back to being my daughters confidant, and partner in crime.

Now I’m sure your wondering why is she prattling on about that Rabbit?, well last night he was taken unwell, so my day started with a trip to the vets, I knew he was poorly as he hasn’t really moved, he and I have this huge battle getting him into the carrier, and today he just went into it, the vet did some assessments on him, and came to the conclusion that he is very ill, this made me sob like a baby, this rabbit who I was so sure I wouldn’t really like intially, this rabbit who would try and eat my new trainers as I walked around and would literally hang of my feet, but do you know I think most of my tears are for Maisy not me, her world at the moment is tough, she is so sensitive, kind and loving, she needs no more crap in her life, she struggles with me being ill, school life, and the perils of being a nearly teenager, taking away her best friend will I know destroy her, so as I begged the vet to do what she could I knew I was doing it for my m

girl, to please please not add any more sadness to her little life, for her to at least have the happiness she deserves with her rabbit, no it’s not insured but can you actually put a price on happiness? 

As I always rave about my amazing friends and family that support me, I know that in Maisy’s world Archie and I are her best friends, so please can you all have your fingers crossed for her that he pulls through this, he is spending the day at the vets, we will see what 5.30pm brings!

I have learnt that no matter what size or what your pet is, they are part of your family, the provide love, happiness and friendship – all that we need x
Lots of love ASIBTAF 🐰

Tiredness and Mumming it! 

At the moment people ask :how are you doing? and I reply I’m good, actually I am absolutely shattered, I would make a good advert for the smokey eye look, without the actual make up, whilst having a cuddle with my eldest last night she looked at me and said do you know your eyes are black, not just at the bottom Mummy but all the way round and used her finger to go around my eye lol.

I literally dream of going to bed then waking at a reasonable hour even 6am looks better than 3.30am, I try to stay up later to maybe help this but have trouble keeping my eyes open, this is part and parcel of the IIH, most people with this condition will have trouble sleeping, or some may want to sleep all the time, I do feel shattered with it at times but generally don’t sleep in the day,  by 9.30pm I’m done, the Insomnia comes in cycles so I can have some really good weeks of sleep, then I can have some really pants nights sleep, I am a woman that really needs her sleep or I turn into one of those emotional women literally teetering on edge, looking like something from the walking dead, and either growling or wailing.. and on this healthy eating plan would kill for chocolate!!!

Dr Edward Suarez, associate professor in Duke’s department of psychiatry and behavioural sciences said following a lack of sleep study on both men and women

“The study suggests that poor sleep – measured by the total amount of sleep, the degree of awakening during the night, and most importantly, how long it takes to get to sleep – may have more serious health consequences for women than for men.
“We found that for women, poor sleep is strongly associated with high levels of psychological distress, and greater feelings of hostility, depression and anger. “In contrast, these feelings were not associated with the same degree of sleep disruption in men.”

Well men are the lucky ones, because this morning is one of those mornings where you scroll through social media and cry like a baby at the various tear jerking videos, or you read another blog, full of kindness and meaning, for me I read a post by Part- Time Working Mummy that was done yesterday, about being a mother in varying ways, usually I have a good chuckle at her posts, today I cried.

I think the post she has written relates to us all in someway, because we have all been one of those Mummy’s.

https://www.facebook.com/PartTimeWorkingMummy/

These past two weeks with  lack of sleep makes me analyse things more, mainly my motherhood skills, or otherwise known as the ‘Mum Guilt’ being a mum to a teenager (she will be 13 this year) is a journey in itself, but knowing that your illness effects both of your girls that guilt sets in even more, I am that Mum that try’s to get through each day hiding how rough I actually feel from them, painting on a smile so they will both go off happy each day whilst actually I want to hug the toilet from the nausea I get some mornings, or when they have a tantrum or argue with my husband or  I, I don’t completely lose my shit because I’m so tired lol, I am the Mum who wants my eldest to enjoy her School life, and not be worrying about me,  where I am and if I’m feeling ok. 

I am the Mum that plans a lovely day out, a train trip to Bath with both of my girls,plus one of their friends, then gets half way into the train journey I have a massive IIH headache, how I made it around that day I will never know, the worst point for me was the shop Lush, the girls had lived for this  moment, I was trying to live through the bloody moment, all the smells just made me want to be violently sick, never have I been so glad to get back on a train, but wondering why I can’t even have a day out without my IIH interfering. I know the girls don’t miss out but you want and hope to be on top form having fun don’t you? 

I am the Mum that lies in her hospital bed, wishing to get home as soon as I can as I know my girls will be crying for me at home, even with constant reassurance from family and friends they panic I won’t come home, this is heartbreaking in itself.

But I am the Mum who does her best, the best I can do at the moment, and that is all of us doing the best we can, we are all amazing men and women with amazing children, you know you have done good when they are smiling and happy each day, yes the day may throw in some grotty bits but we handle it the best we can.

As I usually say  kindness unites us all, I have had so many messages about this blog, I can’t thank you enough for the kindness, most saying I’m so brave, you know what though we are all brave we are all warriors of some sort, illness, family, motherhood, fatherhood,business,  life and more, I had never even heard of this condition or anyone with it before my diagnosis, so all I want is to bring some awareness to it, and to help other sufferers who may need some reassurance.

We can and will beat this, and with the kindness and love I have around, how hard can that be.

Have a happy healthy week

ASIBTAF ❤

Wife and Mum first, IIH warrior second. 

You know those weeks where you doubt yourself in everything, it’s been one of those, I have been told many times by various people you are never given more than you can handle , but who actually knows what we can all handle? How do ‘they’ know our limits? 

Sometimes living with IIH pales into insignificance when you have a role as a mother and a wife, you can’t just think about yourself (selfishly) , you have to be that supportive figure to them, offering reassurance, kindness, love and nurturing them best you can.

It’s been a hard week for varying reasons, and my illness hasn’t actually been one of them, so this is postitive in itself. I am still continuing with my acupuncture sessions which are going really well, this week we progressed to 15 needles so I somewhat resembled hell raiser lol, but I think it is having a positive effect as the pain at the moment is not so intense, which for me is amazing.  Also this week I have had an appointment at the Doctors, for a blood pressure check, as there was some concern about how high it was, and whether it needed treating, (my blood pressure will be high if my brain pressure is high) BUT even with the stresses of the week, which I will go into later, my blood pressure gave a really good reading which we are hoping is due to the weightloss and healthy eating regime! So more positivity right there.

Now as with so many of us, money is the cause of such stress and worry, money is the root of all evil so they say!  As I’m not able to work at the moment I feel there is extra stress on my husband Kev, working hard six days a week to provide for us all, which he does barely grumbling, Kev is a builder, he has his own business, working closely with another builder, together and individually they have produced some amazing houses from scratch  with varying price ranges, houses I could only dream of living in…. so unfair lol, but after Christmas they started on a new job,  where they had been recommended to the client.

I can’t say too much for the fear of slander etc etc, but after doing extensive work, the client has taken it upon himself not to pay,  not pay – do people actually have any idea of the recupussions when they decide I’m not going to pay – the stress it causes, the anger, then the self doubt, all of this I have witnessed from Kev, hearing him toss and turn in bed worrying about the money we havent had, then turning the light on to discuss it again because he just can’t understand it, he has done this job since leaving School (he is now 45) and never has he not been paid, never ever, he and the other Builder are in disbelief, as the client has now changed locks etc so they can’t get on site, so it has been a week of reassuring him that I think he does a brilliant job, and that this client is a giant knobhead, that no one should make people doubt themselves, and we might have to put this one in the fuck bucket and move on.

And move on we will, together we have got through so much, yes money makes life easier, but we are all alive and still together, we have now learnt he has done this to several other builders, let them do the work then kick them off, the sad thing is I doubt he is led in his bed worrying about how to pay his tax bill or his household bills, he is probably led there smug that he has pulled off yet another scam, I am a massive massive believer in Karma, and I say what goes around comes around.  Kev has moved onto a new job, money will catch up, and I said to him, you have a home, two daughters who adore you, a loving family,food in the cupboard, thankfully bills are paid and you have good health, don’t give men like that a second thought. 

Whilst all this has been going on, this week we have also had the roller coaster ride of parenting thrown into the mix, definitely a journey that we as parents all have to go through, a journey of highs and of lows, happiness, tears, anger -actually every emotion going is probably the best way to explain Motherhood.

Kev and I go through this journey together to bring our two gorgeous girls up but along the way, we have the best family and amazing friends by our sides offering their help and love, who could ask for more? Oh and so I’m told hahaha wine and gin help! 

I would not change it for the world 
I hope you have all had a happy and heathy week.
For me this week I have definately used my mantra -A smile is better than a frown 

Lots of love ❤

ASIBTAF