A week in the life 

It’s been a really busy week, made up of School runs, hospital appointments, ferrying the girls around, , and trying to get back into a gym routine, nothing manic, just getting back on the bike and being guided on how to get my fitness back somehow!, think it’s going to be a long journey but positivity is key!

Hospital appointments have had us in three in different hospital venues,  Ruby had an ophthalmology appointment which went well, then on the same day I had a check up about a non head related problem, which again went well.

This week brought a visit me a visit to Endocrinology,   Which I dread this shouldn’t really be the case, should it? I know I’m very lucky to be seeing a specialist (I realise others don’t get this luxury), but it’s always so demoralising. I’m always made to feel like I’m not doing enough to make myself better,  I know there’s very little on offer for me bar continuing to lose weight, Or a LP Shunt, so I was in a foul mood the whole day  the closer it drew near the worse I was, and didn’t those close to me know it  but this was due to my previous experience which  hadn’t gone too well, with it generally being a lecture on losing weight and gastric banding.  However I should not of been so hasty with my worries  as this appointment was actually really good, it’s just a shame the evening was ruined as for the third time during this illness an unpleasant man aggressively shouted at me in front of the girls about using a blue badge when none of us were actually disabled  🤷‍♀️! I give up.

So onto the really exciting part of my week today I ventured to a shop that’s been on my radar for a while, I have wanted to go for some time eagerly following their progress and watching them grow from afar on social media, and because everything I see online – I need (must have)

The shop in question is a fantastic shop called Belle Modelle, http://www.belle-modelle.co.uk when you enter the shop you are greeted by a wonderful array of colours, with so many beautiful items of clothing, home accessories, jewellery, shoes and bags, and not only that you receive such a warm welcome on your arrival from the gorgeous proprietor Leila Gregory.  


Now as many of you know, I’m partial to a new shoe, (what lady isn’t) and there were plenty to choose from, a wide range of colours and sizes, wedges, sandals, brogues.

I found a fantastic pair of Dolce and Gabbana Inspired embellished slides called Daisy stud slides. They are so comfortable! 

There is a good selection of clothing, so many summer outfits, again a good range of sizes available, this year we are seeing the Pom Pom taking to the shelves, colourful, fun and cheerful, so I couldn’t resist this lovely lightweight poncho – which will be making its debut at Glastonbury next week, I chose the grey colourway, they look fab on! 

So for those fashionistas out there I highly recommend a visit to this shop, it was well worth the wait for me, I’ve wanted to go for so long and I’m glad I did, everything was bang on trend, with something for everyone and if you cannot get to the shop then hit the link and do some online shopping http://www.belle-modelle.co.uk/index.php use code KABM10 for 10% off your order.

(Disclosure: This post was not sponsored, I received a complimentary Poncho to try out. I wasn’t required to write anything good, but I genuinely think this business is fab and would love to see their business grow even more .)

Retail therapy is always the way forward, it’s an effective way to improve your mood and excercise control over your environment, it can help with the transition  from negative to positive emotions, so go on what’s stopping you! Happy Shopping.

Have a lovely weekend 

ASIBTAF ❤️

Ruby’s Football trials (and tribulations!)

As some of you know, last week I took Ruby my youngest to her football trials, now Ruby started playing football about 2 years ago,  she just decided she would like to try it and started out in a local mixed team, she really enjoyed it but where she was new to the game she struggled, the other players had been playing for some time, the boys were really quite skilled and found Ruby just hampered their game, sadly people would make fun of her, either on the pitch or worse carry it on at School. 

We would say to her practice makes perfect Rubes, keep at it, but her confidence dwindled along with her passion of the game.  There was no changing the opinions of the boys, who would pass to one another,  and the other girls who could definately bend it like Beckham.  

I knew I had to do something, and via the internet I think it was,  I found an all girls development centre training under 10s held by Yeovil Town Ladies adult team, I emailed and explained Ruby’s situation and her capabilities, and was told to bring her along, the only drawback was it was held in Bridgwater (which is around an hour away from us) for us that was the best thing we could of done for her, she loved it it boosted her confidence, she made new friends and best of all she smiled throughout each hour and half training session, they could see she had potential and they built on it, we then became fans of Yeovil Town Ladies football team, attending each home game, Kev and I didnt even like football, however it would seem we do now,  Ruby has a definate soft spot for two players her coach Ellie Curson https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellie_Curson and another player Annie Heatherson https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ann-Marie_Heatherson (more on her later).

We could see a definate change in her football skills, and in her confidence, and if she was happy, I was happy.   We moved her from the local team to an all girls team in a neighbouring town at around the same time, a recommendation from a girl from the development centre  who also attended and said it was a great team to play for. So Ruby began playing for Frome Town Youth girls team, again she loves this and tries her best, plays in tournaments or matches.

The development centre training ended at the end of the year and I will always be grateful for the kindness, care and enthausium they showed the Girls, it was definately the turning point for Ruby’s confidence, and the base of her football journey.

So back to the trial, I recieved an email about the under YTLFC 12 trials, I have and never would make Ruby do football, I always ask her if she would like to do it, I knew she would jump at the chance, but in the back of mind I did wonder if I should put her through that, no not because I don’t have faith in her or that I don’t think she is very good, but because I know that again some of these girls have been playing since they were 4/5 and plus Ruby is just 10 and the girls would be mixed ages up to 12, but nonetheless Ruby was determined to attend that trial, so I booked her in.

I mentioned earlier Ruby’s idol is a footballer called Annie Heatherson, Annie is good to Ruby, offering advice when needed, a hug,  or a photo opportunity, Ruby thinks of her as her friend, the evening before the trial, she offered Rubes a few words of advice and told her that even if she didn’t get it in it was good experience, I too had said that in this life if at first we don’t succeed then try and try again, which she seemed to understand.


The day of the trial, I literally felt sick to my stomach, not because of Ruby doing it, but because I wanted to protect her from the fear of rejection, she was my baby and I personally thought she was great lol,  I know we have to stand by and watch, knowing what we know inside ( I will never forget my Mum watching me do Hurdles in the rain for County I totally messed them up near the end slipping due to the rain I  ended up going over one and under another sliding the duration on my bum, but you know what aside from the humiliation I do remember her telling me how proud she was of me and how well I had done).  Ruby had a new found confidence where I think she thought she would get in, and as Mums we don’t want our child to feel the pain of not getting where they want to be, but at the same time you don’t want to knock their confidence or say I don’t think you good enough just yet.

Off she trotted a bit nervous, but not as nervous as her mother and played the best she could, she definately enjoyed it, and it was fun to watch,  there were all ages abilities and talents, from years 5/6 and I felt incrediably proud she was there.

Ruby came away from the trial full of excitement, and was looking forward to Fridays announcement of who would make the team, part of you hopes and prays that actually she was good enough and part of you knows she wouldn’t of made the grade, I did gently say to her, there were lots of girls there, you were all great, some looked older than you didn’t they?  To which she replied yes Mummy but I was thinking I’m going to be so upset if I don’t get in I think my heart will break! – and from that very moment I dreaded that email on Friday, I even discussed with Kev who would tell her, actually nominating him. 

The email came – and it was No she didn’t get in, I cannot tell you how much I dreaded her 3.30pm pick up, I collected her and she didn’t mention it, but I knew I would have too and when I told her  – I did watch her heart break a bit right there in front of me, she cried and cried, proper from the heart tears, I felt like the crappiest mother ever, every day I like to think I try the best for my girls and I felt like I had set her up for a fall, I could of prevented the upset and tears, by not entering her but she would go through life assuming that she could get into every team, the sadness showed that she was passionate about something, and that it was something she really wanted, we have all known what’s it like to not get where we wanted in life immediately, I reassured her it took me years to get into teams and then go further to County and Nationals with my various sporting achievements. 

The tears did flow for a while that evening as did mine in private  –  but after a pep talk face time from the Golden One Heatherson.  Ruby picked herself up and that smile was back, she said to Kev and I, if I don’t at first succeed then I will try and try again and Annie said as one door opens another one closes so you know what Mummy I WILL play for Yeovil Town Ladies one day.

That’s my girl 💕💪🏻 

ASIBTAF xxx

Dear Kev,

Dear Kev
I said to you just this morning, I didn’t know what to blog about as I’m sure people are bored of me droning on about my illness, you said write it about something else for a change then.

So I thought I would write you this, we met properly way back in Sherborne in 1999, as you know I thought that you were a total tit, you approached me drunk, waving a carrier bag in your hand and a pint of Guinness in the other, you apologised for the look you were going for that day, but you had to buy this tshirt to replace the one you had spilt Guinness down.  Now this was not the first time we had met, we originally met in your home town in a pub, where back then you and your friends thought you were the top totty of town, and I was,  in your words “Gobby with big boobs” and not worth talking too! I can remember Lucy trying to get in your car, and you being very displeased at her actions as your car was your pride and joy, I used to watch you cruise around town in your white VW Convertible with your tunes banging out wishing I could be in it, only to be too young, too gobby but in my favour a good pair of breasts!

Fast forward a few years and we go back to that night in Sherborne, the tables had turnt, I am now worth talking too, but the feeling is not reciprocated, I thought you were too drunk, too old and too shy for me! But you didn’t give up, and we finally started our blossoming romance with a smooch or two in Pego (Pego those that know me will smile, and those that don’t, Pego was The Pegasus Club,our local small nightclub where the locals went on a Friday or Saturday night until 2am for a dance, stick to the floor, make new friends in the loo, drink and to check out the talent, many a relationship started at Pego, we all have many happy fun memories made in there, sad to think it’s now an empty boarded up shell.)

We went on many dates, and I just wasn’t sure, we were such opposites, you were quiet, shy and gentle, plus you drank way too much – which I later realised was as you said because you had no reason to stay at home, I was young loud, confident and out there, and a into Young farmers (the group rather than any random young male farmer!!)

You were established in life as a builder, you had a mortgage, a nice car, and I was just starting out, I was really scared of commitment as I had never really done so before, and just continued to mess you around  so you finally gave me an ultimatum – commit or go away and never come back, I chose the latter, I remember going home to Mum and Dad saying you had shouted that at me, crying my eyes out thinking you were such a knobhead, and them saying I shouldn’t see you again if you were like that.

6 months later I missed you, I missed you every darn day from that night you told me to go away, but I was stubborn (yes I know I still am), I missed you that much I would make my little brother come with me to stalk you in my Rover 25  poor Mike would be doing laps round town unaware we were actually following you around, then thankfully, out of the blue you text me on my birthday “Happy Birthday love Kev.”

A few nights later  I tried to contact you I rang, I text and nothing, just answerphone, I was with Sharon – whom I must say played a big part in this love story as she was generally there willing me on – we waited and waited –  finally you called me back, it was late but I didn’t care I had to see you and met you down moor lane bridge lol.

From that night onwards we were never apart, I guess I realised that you were a definate keeper, you may not be a man of many words, but the beautiful  words you have said I will treasure in my heart – for example on our wedding day you said –  you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen (and then you added I thought the wrong woman walked in haha)  I had to write that in as I was crying at the time and it made me laugh, which is what you always try to do, make me laugh,  we must be the only couple that cry with laughter because one time as your going off to work you stop, kiss me good bye and say I’m counting down the hours until I see you again!  any other woman would be find that a loving gesture but all we could do was laugh.

Now Kev not to say we haven’t been through some dark times we have, we have known what it’s like to hit rock bottom, for you to have no work, me have to borrow money from my parents to feed and cloth the girls, we had to sell my beautiful ring (un beknown to me my gorgeous parents brought it back and you paid them weekly for some time then presented it to me on my birthday – my heart burst that day I genuinely thought I would never see it again) to pay the bills.

We have argued, even got to a point where we wondered if we had future  – and we can’t change the past – I know We have both been in some bleak places you after losing your lovely Nan, me with the god awful depression after our second child was born, Losing my Grandad and recently with the IIH but you and my parents have got me through it, I am sorry that recently I told you to leave me, and that you should find someone better than me, someone who wasn’t ill, overweight and a pain in the arse, I thought you deserved a better life, one where your not always working to provide for us, because I cannot work, one where I’m not being whisked off to hospital – which I know crucifies you, you try and hide your feelings and until last September it made me think you didn’t care. (I know you do)

Last September you accompanied me to a Lumbar Puncture, you had never been with me before it was one of the good ones, I remember thinking you looked traumatised when you left me, but seemed ok the next day.

Two weeks later we had a night out, with our closest friends,  the alcohol made all of your true feelings come out –  everything came out, it upset me so much to see you broken, and how you said that Lumbar Puncture had made you realise you wished there was something you could do to make me better and that you generally feel helpless, do you know what Kev you do something to help, your there everyday when I open my eyes, you make me laugh, you are a fantastic Father to our girls,  you drive me crazy at times, your time spent in the bathroom makes me want to scream, when you forget things it drives me demented, when you can’t keep to the speed limits I literally want to karate chop you, but I want you to know I appreciate all you do, you do work so hard, we never go without and you know what else Kev in your own words like you said to me last week, Kirsty I do love you,  you know , always have done and always will- this is enough for me Kev your love, caring nature and sense of humour. 

So Kev when I’m being a complete bitch raving on about something that’s not really worth kicking off about – generally it’s when your driving my car, been in the bathroom for an hour or making me watch Sci- Fi, remember this –  we are team, and though I cry, whinge, can be hormonal, demand chocolate,  we have come through so so much and I thank you for being you, the other half me and I thank you for persevering all those years ago because you have made me who I am, wife, Mother family member and friend.

In the words of Whitney – And I will always love you.

All my love 

The Gobby one with the big boobs.

Embrace what makes you unique.

So apparently one in four British adults is obese, according to the UN Food and Agriculture Organisation, prompting fears that the UK has become the “fat man of Europe”.The UK has the highest level of obesity in Western Europe, ahead of countries such as France, Germany, Spain and Sweden, the report says.

Obesity levels in the UK have more than trebled in the last 30 years and, on current estimates, more than half the population could be obese by 2050.

Source: The State of Food and Agriculture 2013 (PDF, 2.44Mb), United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization.

I am that one in four person, I hold my hands up to it, I’m Kirsty and I’m obese, most of my adult years I have been overweight and struggled, though I have been fitter and healthier and happy with how I looked, how I felt, and naturally I long to get back to those days, I wasn’t a size 10 or anything but I was happy, I was a bit more body confident , throughout my adult years my body shape has changed frequently, and my husband has not once commented negatively, he loves me unconditionally, love handles and all.

Back then though it was a really dedicated journey to get to where I wanted to be, Most days  I was up and out of bed to the gym at 5.30am before Kev went to work, I had the best personal trainer you could ever ask for (thank you SB), she did my meal plans on a 6 weekly rota and she beasted me, but you know what I loved it!  The photo on the left was at Kevs 40th and on the right before I got ill in 2015 😏 I was strong not skinny lol. 

My personal weight issues go right back to secondary school, when you see this photo what do you see?

Hopefully like me you see a group of healthy and happy teenage girls? (I am back second from left) However people – ok boys at school didn’t see me like that, more often than not I would walk round with something stuck to my back saying ‘wide load’ or I would have derogatory comments from said boys. So from a young age I assumed I was “fat”, it didn’t matter how much my parents told me I was a normal healthy weight my brain was implanted with the fact I was overweight, I think this is so sad because looking back, I wasn’t I was “normal”.

I think there is such pressure in this day and age to achieve perfection, I have yet to meet one person (apologies if I have) who says to me – oh yes I’m so happy with my body image, it seems we are not,  we always wish for a change of something, I know I have said to friends who are tall, slender and stunning, how amazing they look, how I wish I had a figure like that.. to be told that they too are unhappy with their body, it would seem most of us have body insecurities, and it’s so sad but I totally understand, I have two daughters, and I tell them they are both beautiful and I encourage them to embrace their bodies, I try my best not to say I’m on a diet, I try to say that I’m healthy eating to help my head,  Sometimes one of them asks me what I think about her body shape, I have and always will tell her it’s just perfect like her. It’s a struggle enough for our children to grow up in this day and age with all that occurs plus threats of what society says we should look like via social media, all I wish is for all of our children to be happy with themselves, to love what they have, not too worry about body image, like I did.

I ask myself why do we feel so insecure  about our bodies, why do we wish we had bigger breasts, smaller bottom, or if we could be a stone lighter/ or even heavier and we all want that washboard stomach?
Historically, the ideal female body was strong and full-figured, (god I love this) as seen in icons such as Marilyn Monroe. But we have to remember every body shape is different, yet even as early as the 1800s, when painful, health-impairing corsets were used to accentuate the breasts, hips and buttocks, women were expected to strive for a specific ideal of beauty.

Below is taken from an article in the Daily Mail

Only 3% of women in the UK are totally happy with their body and 73% think about their size or shape every single day, a new survey has found. The survey of 5,000 women, commissioned by REAL magazine, found that 91% of women were unhappy with their hips and thighs, 77% were dissatisfied with their waist and 78% said they had cellulite. Three-quarters of British women were unhappy with their shape, 71% with their weight and six out of 10 said their body image made them feel depressed. Some 65% of those surveyed felt their life would improve considerably if they were happy with their body. 

Word has it, that we culminated our body image worries from catwalk models, tv, and the fad diets, that have seemed so appealing at the time because we too could lose 5 stone in 3 months if we drink a milkshake, (then you have the hard work of keeping it off) but the actual point here is that trying to create the ideal body shape shouldn’t be our ultimate aim anyway – we need to stop judging people by their looks in the first place.

Can we just take a second to remember that every single person is beautiful in their own way, if you think someone looks good tell them – think how you would feel from a positive comment, go on make someone’s day, they may look lovely, have a lovely smile,amazing make up, smell good or my personal fav – amazing shoes lol – tell them,  my Mum will be reading this thinking that I should practice what I write as her shoulder has been wet many a time from tears due to my own body insecurities.

For me it’s thought that my IIH will improve if I continue to lose weight, so far this month I’ve been back in hospital twice, I thought perhaps it was because I must of put on a lot of weight, as I hadn’t had weigh day for a while – no I had put on a pound from the last weigh day, I can honestly say I’m not happy with my appearance so yes my weight loss journey is for me to feel better mentally and physically.  As I’m sure most women (or men) can relate to this, I’m one of these people who gives it my all at the beginning – I’ve done slimming world, Gillian McKeith, Dukan, Herbalife, Cabbage soup,Slim fast, ADF,  you name it I’ve done it – I dedicate a few months too it then I remember just how much I love food,  cake, chocolate, fish and chips – the list is endless, my willpower sucks, I want to give massive shout out to people who do stick at it, I have one old school friend who has lost 10 stone and she totally has my upmost respect such willpower and determination!

But I’m saying it loud and clear I need to refocus make my body healthier and my mind positive, I have to do this for myself, Kev and my children, I almost feel selfish by not trying harder to lose weight as if its my fault my IIH is not improving because of it.  But it’s so hard when I can’t excercise like I did, I’ve tried HIIT, Kettlebells and classes during one of these times my  intercranial pressure raised so quickly I wasn’t sure how I was going to get home,  without droning and whinging too much (sorry) even walking at the moment is an effort with my new Diamox dosage so I am literally just taking each day as it comes.

So my weight loss journey continues – for a healthier and stronger me, I can dwell on the past Kirsty who was fit and healthier or I can focus on the future to a healthier Kirsty by busting IIHs arse and to everyone out there dieting, excercising, having surgery, those who are comfortable in their own skin or fighting an illness  – you are all amazing each and everyone of you,  may you too feel gorgeous and banish any insecurities, instill the positivity to our children also because we will stop worrying about our looks when society stops telling us that they’re all we’re worth. Let’s all of us focus on that first!

Have a lovely week

ASIBTAF 💖

Fight the fight 

So the inevitable happened, the thing that most sufferers of IIH, (Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension) dread the absolute most – The Lumbar Puncture, I knew it was looming over me, high pressure hanging over my head like a huge dark grey cloud, I have tried to ignore it, pretend it wasn’t happening, carry on with life as normal, but I guess there is only so long you can pretend that your ok, I know I shouldn’t do it and I should of had my LP back late February but with all that was happening already in our life, it just wasn’t the right time.

Saturday evening my head hurt a bit, by the early hours it was unbearable, I tried paracetamol, ibuprofen and when I could take it no more – Codeine, none of which worked or touched the pain, this was by far the worst pain I had ever yet to encounter.

I made the phone call to my Mum at 7.45am,(she is my LP partner!!) by 9am I was in A and E,  I am always so dubious about having an LP, I know most of you will have read my last experience and it was not one that I ever want to repeat, it’s always at the back of my mind when I need one.

Due to the amount of pain I was in, I was given morphine and admitted, the first lot of meds didn’t help, thankfully though the second batch did, and I the pain subsided, I CANNOT fault the care and attention, I had during this admission, I knew that the LP would be coming at some point in the day, Kev and the children came in at 6ish, I had hoped that it may have been done by the time they were visiting.

Now anyone that knows us well, knows that you can rely on Ruby my youngest to brighten your day, she is a ray of sunshine, and can make you smile on your darkest of days – imagine Mum, Kev, Maisy and Ruby sat around my bed, I’m led in bed wishing I was at home when Rubes comes out with one of her I think potential best corkers. – 

Mummy what’s a condom?

Maisy looks like she is going to die of embarrassment, Kevs eyes are popping out of his head, Mums trying her best not to laugh, and I can’t believe my ears! 

Maisy says um excuse me but I was like way older than you when I found that out – I can’t actually believe you just asked that Ruby, can you believe her Mum? Urhhh god  she finishes by rolling her eyes .

I have to think quickly, and say Rubes I’m not sure this is the time or the place to discuss this in the detail that’s needed, but you use them to stop you having babies, she looks at me confused – where do you put it Mummy? Kev looks at me as if to say well you started to you need to finish it, again I say could we talk about this when we are all home together not in this ward, Ruby has that cheeky glint in her eye, looks at Kev and says Daddy have you used one or does Mummy? By now my poor Mum, is biting her lips off holding her laughter in, Maisy is looking at Ruby like she is going to strangle her, and Kev looks at me for back up,  Rubes I say, look they are used to help you if aren’t wanting to have babies yet, (there was no way I was adding STDs into the equation yet) and yes the Daddy generally uses them, again Maisy is looking at her sister with the look of please let the floor open and swallow me.

I feel I have to ask Ruby why she has asked me this question, to which 

I have Bruno Mars and Maisy to thank.. , well Mummy she says – Maisy heard a song on the radio on the way here,  Maisy said this song is so rude listen he is singing I’ve got a condom in ma hand can you believe that Dad? Kev adds well I did think it was wierd, now let me tell you the actual song lyrics 🙈

Hey, hey, hey

I got a condo in Manhattan

Baby girl, what’s hatnin’?

So slight misinterpretation by Maisy, but defiantly a moment that brought laughter and humour when it was needed by Ruby. 

My Lumbar Puncture  started at  9.10pm with my amazing Mum by my side, Kev and the girls in the day room, (they were not leaving until it was done) and it was done with kindness, continual consideration for my needs, lots of reassurance,  a Doctor that made me feel at ease even though he had worked at 13 hour shift, he was emphatic and carried out what he needed to do profesionally, the pressure was high, and sadly it took until 10.20pm to remove 26mls of fluid generally I have around 10mls so this was my best yet!

I am relieved it’s done, no idea really when the next one will be needed, but hopefully it will run as smoothly as that one, I feel ok, no low pressure headache, but I do feel washed out, and if I’m totally honest struggling this week, I’m going through that whole why me, why have I got to go through this, I feel guilty writing it or even thinking it when there are people fighting for their lives, or enduring painful cancer treatment, it’s not often I let it get to me, but I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, I can’t think one day this will be gone, there is no miracle cure, part of me feels like it’s won,  then theres the part of me who has the most amazing supportive husband, parents, family and friends right behind me supporting me all the way, their love pushing me, their positive words echoing in my mind. 

Maybe I have need to feel like this to regain my strength to start up the fight again, – well that’s what I’m telling my self and as I look at all that I have, I know I am truly blessed and ever grateful.

To all who remain by my side – I adore you all.

To everyone who wishes me well, and takes time to contact me – I am so grateful, it means so much.

And finally –  IIH you can’t keep a good girl down …..

Loads of ❤ ASIBTAF xxx

United we stand – Motherhood

My week started with a trip to the Doctors, as I developed Sinusitis, my god it was so painful, my eyes streamed and the front of my face felt like it would explode, breathing through my nose was a no go, and in turn it seemed to play my head up, so I had the head pain from the sinusitis and my IHH, so following some fab nasal spray and codeine, it’s  finally today I’m feeling loads better but washed out.
Acupunture is going well, the session I had this week we decided against adding the electrodes, as lately the needles have not stayed in and flown out after a few seconds, so to ensure a good session we left it out. I have also got some small individual pads to use on myself every other day, they are good you pop them on the pressure points and every hour or so you gently apply pressure and massage the points on your hands and arms!

All over the country today we celebrate Mother’s Day, I feel truly blessed to have two beautiful daughters, age 12 and 10,  I never knew there could be love like the love I have for them, (they are however currently fighting over minecraft in the background) it some what ruins the ambiance I’m trying to create lol.

Our mother hood journey begins before us woman give birth, pregnancy tinkers with the very structure of our  brain,  After centuries of observing behavioral changes in new mothers, scientists are only recently beginning to definitively link the way a woman acts with what’s happening in their prefrontal cortex, midbrain, parietal lobes, and elsewhere. Grey matter becomes more concentrated. Activity increases in regions that control empathy, anxiety, and social interaction. On the most basic level, these changes, prompted by a flood of hormones during pregnancy and in the postpartum period, help attract a new mother to her baby. In other words, those maternal feelings of overwhelming love, fierce protectiveness, and constant worry (this lasts forever I think) begin with reactions in the brain. (The atlantic.com)  So you’re actually primed to form strong bonds with your child and your child is equally ready to connect with you, and I think you will all agree those bonds are unbreakable,  from the moment I gave birth, I was completely overwhelmed with love for my children, which turned into feeling overwhelmed that this was how much my Mum (and Dad) have loved me, no matter what I did- mood swings, school reports, boyfriend choices, car accidents (sorry) it was just something I couldn’t grasp until I experienced it as a mother myself, only mood swings so far in this household.

My mum is the best mum in the world. She’s my rock and she is without a doubt my superhero but without the cape, I am lucky to be able to say that my mum is my best friend and even though I tell her I love her every day, I still don’t think she quite understands how much she means to me, there is still the strongest bond possible, and always will be.

I know there are times when I open my mouth and my mother comes out,  however, when I think about the prospect of “turning into my mother” my thoughts are more hopeful than full of dread, as in, I hope there’s a chance that I will.

Motherhood makes us laugh, cry, tests our patience, we worry, we get scared, we feel proud, sometimes maybe ashamed, we endure changes to our bodies (10 years on I can’t get away with it’s baby weight lol)  but you know what we are all in this together, united we stand – us mothers we rock – and as the day draws to an end, take a moment to think of those who have lost their mother, those who have loved and lost, those who yearn to be a mother, and the parents who are both the mother and father  – We are all amazing remember totally amazing.

On a personal note I would like to thank the gorgeous women in my both of my girls lives who love, care and cherish them – we love you all today and every day.

Loads of ❤️ ASIBTAF 

Not all disabilities are visable…

Sorry I have been quiet… two words that don’t usually go together – Kirsty and Quiet lol, have had lots going on, trying to sort various things that life seems to be throwing at me.

Today I had to take my eldest daughter to an appointment near Southampton, having been there before, I hoped I would park nearby as I had done previously my head (Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension)has been playing up yesterday and again today,  I won’t lie I’m shattered both physically and mentally.

Mum, Maisy and I get to the destination, pull up and park in the parking space which is on a road, with boxes provided so you know where to park, I put my blue badge in the window, get out of the car, walk a few steps and hear a voice shouting,

Is that a blue badge in the window?

All three of us turn around to see a man approximately in his 60s stood by the car,

I reply ‘yes it is’
He then looks at the three of us with disgust and says ‘ So which one of you exactly is the disabled one?’

Me like a startled schoolgirl – put my hand in the air and said ‘me’ he shakes his head at me with disbelief, in my head I act out the scenario of me screaming at him ‘sorry what is  your problem is it because I appear to have all my limbs or is it because I’m not in a wheelchair, do tell me why you feel the need to question and shout at us like we are committing a crime’ but of course I don’t I stand there with my hand in the air humiliated, red faced, at this point though this is where  my trusty side kick /lifetime protector steps in – Mum – she politely but firmly asks if he would like to see the badge and the photo, he just looks crossly at us and gestures to wave us on, she looks ready to explode.

Whilst this has been going on, another gentleman has witnessed all of this and kindly steps in, he shouts from across the road ‘excuse me sir, it’s a parking space anyone can park there, and it’s none of your business what is wrong with her, the  rude  man disappears and the kind gentleman shakes his head, apologising for the behaviour of the other man, ‘I can’t believe I just watched that, or that it happened!.  Mum thanked him for his kindness and we went on to the appointment.

The sad thing is this does happen, for me that was the second time, the first time was in a supermarket car park, an elderly lady was really angry with me, I was on my own, had just pulled into the space and she banged on the window shouting at me to let her look at the photo on the back of the badge, telling me I looked perfectly normal and to move as she needed to get to an appointment.

I may be nearly 40, I may look ok bar the eye bags, but not all disabilities are what you look like, how you act, or how you walk , and anyone who knows me well knows that I wouldn’t use that badge unless I really really had too, but to the person who shouted at me/us today, you will never how much you offend me, how your words echo in my head,  how you make me dread putting my badge on the dash board,  If you knew what I actually went through to have the badge, how embarrassed I felt at the assessment I had to attend, you might of thought before you shouted and disbelieved me, I hope you may think again before you shout at someone else!

This happens to so many people all over the country, and it shouldn’t,  our disabilities are all individual to us, and it’s so sad.

I feel let down by some of our society today , that my daughter who I teach to respect her elders, care for others had to witness that, but what I do know is she will grow up with the realisation that we are all different, disabilities come in all shapes and forms and she will hopefully  never judge.

It wasn’t the first time it happened, and I’m sure it won’t be the last – but let’s spread the word :-

Not all disabilities are visable ❤

Have a lovely week

ASIBTAF 🙏🏻

How do we beat the bullies?

I don’t think anything prepares us for seeing our child/children struggle with life, watching them become a shadow of their former self, their kind, loving, giggly nature transform into a child who looks petrified at the mere mention of school, whose temper has appeared from no where because she cannot control her emotions, a child who cannot bear to leave your side because you are her safety, the child who won’t sleep alone in her room because she can’t sleep and is frightened of her thoughts going over and over in her head, the child who is your whole world and you just don’t know how to fix it, well this has been my life the past few months, and no nothing prepared me for it, it literally had been the worst thing that could happen, I would have my IIH ten times worse if it meant her worries would go away.

Whenever anything happens to your children, you immediately want to fix it, to make the issues stop, to make them smile again.

It all began when when we noticed that our daughter was becoming withdrawn – not talking, (she was quiet anyway so this meant she was really quiet), she distanced herself from us all,  there were changes in behaviour – becoming aggressive, not able to control how she spoke to us,  she was sleeping badly, up and down through the night,  complaining of headaches or stomach aches every day before school, and as she became more and more unhappy, she would beg not to go to School, and I mean literally beg to point where I would want to just scoop her up, and tell her everything would be ok and keep her home with me.

I didn’t but I wanted too.

I remember saying to my Mum, and to her god mother that her behaviour had changed, and if this is what the teenage hormones were like then god knows how I would cope  during the next 5 years – if only it had just been hormones – I may have been able to deal with it better than her being bullied.

Bullying is a problem that can derail a child’s schooling, social life, and emotional well-being 

Everyone wants to believe that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” but for some children and teenagers, even us adults – that’s not true. Words can be just as harmful, or even more so, than physical abuse.  My daughter has always been uber sensitive, and a worrier, it didn’t usually hold her back but she doesn’t have the confidence of her younger sister, and I know she wished she was a bit more outgoing – I think she just wanted to fit in and friendship meant a lot her.

Bullying is a behaviour that includes a whole range of actions that cause physical or emotional pain, from spreading rumours, to intentional exclusion which was a massive factor in my daughters school life, people that were her friends completely ignoring her, walking or running away from her, turning away rather than speak to her and yes she suffered physical abuse. 
It may be subtle and many children don’t tell their parents or teachers about it out of fear of shame or retribution, she didn’t tell me she had been slapped for a few days because I’d been in hospital and she didn’t want me to have to go back in as she was scared,  thinking that would make me more unwell,  this however just made matters worse for her, and actually me, I received a a text myself that wasn’t pleasant from a girls mother ending our friendship  because her child had been questioned for the incident, and I hadn’t gone to her first.

Children may also fear they won’t be taken seriously if they report being bullied. It’s important that parents, teachers, and other adults constantly look for bullying behaviours.  From power struggles to conflicting impulses, hormones  and strong emotions, girls really do have a lot to deal with. 

We all know girls may bicker, from time to time, it’s part of the growing up, teenagers are on their apprenticeship to adulthood not wanting to be take responsibility for their actions but still wanting to find their way – how can we help them, this is happening all over the country Children as unhappy as my daughter, some who have sadly ended their lives because they were badly bullied, destroyed, not wanting to live, some suffering in silence.  My daughter talked to me openly – the whole experience nearly broke her – it tormented me taking her to School, me her Mother taking her to an environment she couldn’t bear, she would cry before School, I would cry after dropping her off, every day I would wonder what sort of Mother I was  – putting her into a situation that was actually destroying her, the final staw for me was her becoming really unwell and in pain – possibly caused by the stress, I had to ring an ambulance who came in took one look at her, popped her on a stretcher and took her to A and E, as she lay in the ambulance, crying, the  blue light shining through onto her little head, I wondered how on earth had it come to this and right there and then I knew I wouldn’t stand for it anymore – some might say I have let them win by moving my daughter to another School, I tried the stick it out, it might get better method – it didnt and neither did she.

I personally think  there needs to be more input into relationships from us as parents and schools as early as Primary school looking  into relationships and how cruel words or  silences can damage children. We as parents need to take time to discuss with our children how to manage thoughts and feelings and how to cherish friendships. There has been within my youngest child’s primary school lots of talk about Social Media and I’m glad – this is one of the biggest threats in our children’s Society – even a child’s Instagram Bio can cause such hurt and upset, offending intentionally or unintentionally by not adding a friends name or by being there then being removed, The Snap Chat bullying game, Facebook bullying –  its all out there ( I hate it and wish rules were stricter for our children)
Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield have launched This Morning’s Be Kind anti-bullying Campaign to help save the lives of young victims.

As part of ‘This Morning’s Be Kind’ campaign we want you to watch this video. You’ll hear from two mums whose children took their own lives as a result of the bullying they experienced. Then hit the pledge button. Pledge to watch this video with your children. Pledge to help your children know they can ask for help, for them to know someone cares and for them to know how important it is to BE KIND.

http://www.itv.com/thismorning/hot-topics/pledge-to-share-our-anti-bullying-message
I have done this with both of my girls, perhaps we could all share this around.

My daughter is slowly regaining her life back and her sense of humour – thank goodness!!! I am blessed that she confided in me even if it wasn’t straight away,  she is no saint I am certainly not blinkered,  she can be grumpy, moany, teenagery  12 year old but she is my daughter, and someone said to me just this week you are ‘only as happy as your least happy child’, this is so true and when this happens we work tirelessly to get life back to normality again.

It’s not a question of happiness or sadness, but a journey of life lessons that we gently guide them through the best we can.
❤ ASIBTAF xx

When you wish you could make everything better!

When I agreed that my eldest could have a rabbit, not for one minute did I imagine how attached to him we, well me would become, I’m more a dog as a pet kind of girl.  I agreed to us having this rabbit under the pretence that Maisy would feed it, clean it and generally look after him and most of this she does, though I have found myself cleaning him out most weeks with the help of Mais, I say help but it’s more  of her being the foreman giving out orders on how, what to do and if I’m doing it correctly whilst she dances around the patio with the brush.

Initially I found this gorgeous small and cute bunny on the internet from a breeder Wayback Warren, http://www.waybackwarren.co.uk/

They breed French and mini lops, the photo I first saw of our rabbit was deceiving because when we went to see him he was huge, I am so naive I thought the tiny rabbit in the photo was staying that size, I remember doing a double take at the one she presented to us, I said to her that’s not the one in the photo surely, yes she said it’s just grown, and hasn’t finished growing yet, I was actually scared this animal resembled a small puppy, Kev was the only one who would handle it, the rest of us were scared!!!

So we took what we thought was a female home, Maisy was besotted with it, she loved it, cared for it, dressed HER in the pretty build a bear dresses, pushed HER around in a pink pushchair and Flo as the rabbit was then called loved it, sitting like a queen as she rode around…..

All until one day My Mum and Maisy came across something unusual,

It goes like this via text message:-

Mum: Kirsty are you sure Flo is a girl?

Me: Yes of course, that’s what they told me, why would you think otherwise?

Mum: Well Maisy has just held the rabbit up to me, she said she thought Flo was unwell because she has found a lump or two.

Me: Oh god is she ill then Mum? Does she need to see the vet?

Mum: Kirsty the rabbit has balls, not lumps Flo is a boy not a girl and Maisy is not happy at all.

Maisy not happy at all was an understatement, she was devastated, totally inconsolable, and almost disgusted, when trying to reason with her that it was still her rabbit, her best friend who loved her, she replied with : 

Mummy you have no idea what it feels like, no idea at all, my rabbit has been dressing up as a woman for the past 6 months, I have been loving my baby girl, how would you like it Mummy if you gave birth to me as a girl, then suddenly I changed to a boy? You wouldn’t like it one bit.!!!

I saw her point ..

It took some adjusting for her to get used to us calling Flo, Archie instead, if we dare mix up the names, we would get the death stare from Maisy, Archie soon adjusted to rocking his manliness, with his new male wardrobe and yellow instead of pink lead for when he cruised around the pavements of where we live.

Archie has also had the closest near death experience I think you could possibly get:- by deciding to venture to next doors garden and nearly become their terriers new toy, how on earth he didn’t get eaten that day I will never know, Maisy noticed he had gone from the garden, she was venturing on hysterical, my baby has gone my baby has gone she cried, I thought I know where that little bugger is I hopped on the garden chair to peer over the fence  to see him in a stand off with the dog, literally the dog would chase him, Archie would chase the dog, by now Kev is running like Mo Farah to get to the neighbours to rescue him, I’m still balanced on the chair hanging off of the fence praying that I don’t have to witness the carnage that could occur, gently shouting his name like it’s actually helping, Maisy is now at the point of no return screaming, he’s dead, he’s dead, how will I cope without him, Kev the superhero is swiftly in the garden, the dog does not want to give his new found friend up, Archie literally jumps into Kevs arms, gives the dog the V sign and comes home.

Definately shaken from this little adventure, one I hasten to add he hasn’t repeated, he was out of sorts for a good week, with a few war wounds on his long ears but generally unscathed, he survived and went back to being my daughters confidant, and partner in crime.

Now I’m sure your wondering why is she prattling on about that Rabbit?, well last night he was taken unwell, so my day started with a trip to the vets, I knew he was poorly as he hasn’t really moved, he and I have this huge battle getting him into the carrier, and today he just went into it, the vet did some assessments on him, and came to the conclusion that he is very ill, this made me sob like a baby, this rabbit who I was so sure I wouldn’t really like intially, this rabbit who would try and eat my new trainers as I walked around and would literally hang of my feet, but do you know I think most of my tears are for Maisy not me, her world at the moment is tough, she is so sensitive, kind and loving, she needs no more crap in her life, she struggles with me being ill, school life, and the perils of being a nearly teenager, taking away her best friend will I know destroy her, so as I begged the vet to do what she could I knew I was doing it for my m

girl, to please please not add any more sadness to her little life, for her to at least have the happiness she deserves with her rabbit, no it’s not insured but can you actually put a price on happiness? 

As I always rave about my amazing friends and family that support me, I know that in Maisy’s world Archie and I are her best friends, so please can you all have your fingers crossed for her that he pulls through this, he is spending the day at the vets, we will see what 5.30pm brings!

I have learnt that no matter what size or what your pet is, they are part of your family, the provide love, happiness and friendship – all that we need x
Lots of love ASIBTAF 🐰

Tiredness and Mumming it! 

At the moment people ask :how are you doing? and I reply I’m good, actually I am absolutely shattered, I would make a good advert for the smokey eye look, without the actual make up, whilst having a cuddle with my eldest last night she looked at me and said do you know your eyes are black, not just at the bottom Mummy but all the way round and used her finger to go around my eye lol.

I literally dream of going to bed then waking at a reasonable hour even 6am looks better than 3.30am, I try to stay up later to maybe help this but have trouble keeping my eyes open, this is part and parcel of the IIH, most people with this condition will have trouble sleeping, or some may want to sleep all the time, I do feel shattered with it at times but generally don’t sleep in the day,  by 9.30pm I’m done, the Insomnia comes in cycles so I can have some really good weeks of sleep, then I can have some really pants nights sleep, I am a woman that really needs her sleep or I turn into one of those emotional women literally teetering on edge, looking like something from the walking dead, and either growling or wailing.. and on this healthy eating plan would kill for chocolate!!!

Dr Edward Suarez, associate professor in Duke’s department of psychiatry and behavioural sciences said following a lack of sleep study on both men and women

“The study suggests that poor sleep – measured by the total amount of sleep, the degree of awakening during the night, and most importantly, how long it takes to get to sleep – may have more serious health consequences for women than for men.
“We found that for women, poor sleep is strongly associated with high levels of psychological distress, and greater feelings of hostility, depression and anger. “In contrast, these feelings were not associated with the same degree of sleep disruption in men.”

Well men are the lucky ones, because this morning is one of those mornings where you scroll through social media and cry like a baby at the various tear jerking videos, or you read another blog, full of kindness and meaning, for me I read a post by Part- Time Working Mummy that was done yesterday, about being a mother in varying ways, usually I have a good chuckle at her posts, today I cried.

I think the post she has written relates to us all in someway, because we have all been one of those Mummy’s.

https://www.facebook.com/PartTimeWorkingMummy/

These past two weeks with  lack of sleep makes me analyse things more, mainly my motherhood skills, or otherwise known as the ‘Mum Guilt’ being a mum to a teenager (she will be 13 this year) is a journey in itself, but knowing that your illness effects both of your girls that guilt sets in even more, I am that Mum that try’s to get through each day hiding how rough I actually feel from them, painting on a smile so they will both go off happy each day whilst actually I want to hug the toilet from the nausea I get some mornings, or when they have a tantrum or argue with my husband or  I, I don’t completely lose my shit because I’m so tired lol, I am the Mum who wants my eldest to enjoy her School life, and not be worrying about me,  where I am and if I’m feeling ok. 

I am the Mum that plans a lovely day out, a train trip to Bath with both of my girls,plus one of their friends, then gets half way into the train journey I have a massive IIH headache, how I made it around that day I will never know, the worst point for me was the shop Lush, the girls had lived for this  moment, I was trying to live through the bloody moment, all the smells just made me want to be violently sick, never have I been so glad to get back on a train, but wondering why I can’t even have a day out without my IIH interfering. I know the girls don’t miss out but you want and hope to be on top form having fun don’t you? 

I am the Mum that lies in her hospital bed, wishing to get home as soon as I can as I know my girls will be crying for me at home, even with constant reassurance from family and friends they panic I won’t come home, this is heartbreaking in itself.

But I am the Mum who does her best, the best I can do at the moment, and that is all of us doing the best we can, we are all amazing men and women with amazing children, you know you have done good when they are smiling and happy each day, yes the day may throw in some grotty bits but we handle it the best we can.

As I usually say  kindness unites us all, I have had so many messages about this blog, I can’t thank you enough for the kindness, most saying I’m so brave, you know what though we are all brave we are all warriors of some sort, illness, family, motherhood, fatherhood,business,  life and more, I had never even heard of this condition or anyone with it before my diagnosis, so all I want is to bring some awareness to it, and to help other sufferers who may need some reassurance.

We can and will beat this, and with the kindness and love I have around, how hard can that be.

Have a happy healthy week

ASIBTAF ❤